44. My intuition.
45. Coming face to face with the preciousness of life: getting my mammogram done this afternoon.
46. Honeycrisp apples so large that it's effort to sink my teeth in; the reward the most juicy, crunchy, unusual sweet bite unlike any other apple.
47. A neighborhood in the spirit of Halloween, its streets flooded with trick or treaters including my own dolphin trainer and ladybug.
48. Hand-me-downs (3rd generation handmade ladybug costume made by Harlee's Grandma).
49. Falling asleep with the girls while putting them to bed.
50. Waking up and still wanting to be at the page, the perfect closure to my day.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Start #1: Gifts 40...
40. Pandora Indie Singer-Songwriter station.
41. Vacuumed floors and a clean dog, all in the same day.
42. The fact that I slowed down enough this evening to give a long, enveloping hug and warm kisses on cheeks to each person in my family wherever they happened to be sitting after dinner - a round robin of love - and what I felt in return from their softening shoulders.
43. Andy looking at me in a different way than I've seen for months (and possibly months, and many months more). I looked back at him with raised eyebrows, and he back at me with a look as if he's seeing me for the first time. He said, "You're different." I asked how and he said, "In your attitude, it's really nice." He followed this with a chuckle and an explanation of how it's not that things weren't nice before..." We both laughed and then talked for a few more minutes. And then that look. That look that I didn't know I have been missing for far too long. And in writing this, I just realized that maybe (I believe) his gaze at me has never changed. What a gift.
43. A week of gifts, and many more to come.
41. Vacuumed floors and a clean dog, all in the same day.
42. The fact that I slowed down enough this evening to give a long, enveloping hug and warm kisses on cheeks to each person in my family wherever they happened to be sitting after dinner - a round robin of love - and what I felt in return from their softening shoulders.
43. Andy looking at me in a different way than I've seen for months (and possibly months, and many months more). I looked back at him with raised eyebrows, and he back at me with a look as if he's seeing me for the first time. He said, "You're different." I asked how and he said, "In your attitude, it's really nice." He followed this with a chuckle and an explanation of how it's not that things weren't nice before..." We both laughed and then talked for a few more minutes. And then that look. That look that I didn't know I have been missing for far too long. And in writing this, I just realized that maybe (I believe) his gaze at me has never changed. What a gift.
43. A week of gifts, and many more to come.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Start #1: Gifts 37...
37. So grateful for sneaking a nap in on a weekend, especially like the one I had today next to my sweet Lily.
38. Seeing the softer side of my niece Harlee tonight: Her wows over the Halloween project she helped create, her grimaces (even followed by hobbles) over a slight scrape on her ankle, her eagerness and excitement to help mix and whisk the chocolate pudding, her fading quickly during Rango, and her peaceful face on the pillow after Lily and I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight.
39. My mom.
Mom, I was making salt dough ghosts with Lily, Emmy, Harlee (and even Andy) tonight and remembered you making salt dough ornaments with us at Christmastime and painting them together. It wasn't until tonight that I was struck with one of my own wows, the kind I sometimes experience as a parent when doing things with my own kids and recall a fragmented piece of my childhood - a dormant memory - that gives me the gift of feeling a deeper love for you and dad as parents. Reliving the experience (or a version of) creates that spark of recall, and almost like time travel I catch a glimpse of the parents you must have been for us when we were young children. And now, I completely understand why you never baked with me, not once. Don't worry, I remember you baking for me many times (I will never forget my Boston cream pies), but I see now that there are times where the line just needs to be drawn to maintain a semblance of sanity. Thank you, Mom. I love you.
38. Seeing the softer side of my niece Harlee tonight: Her wows over the Halloween project she helped create, her grimaces (even followed by hobbles) over a slight scrape on her ankle, her eagerness and excitement to help mix and whisk the chocolate pudding, her fading quickly during Rango, and her peaceful face on the pillow after Lily and I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight.
39. My mom.
Mom, I was making salt dough ghosts with Lily, Emmy, Harlee (and even Andy) tonight and remembered you making salt dough ornaments with us at Christmastime and painting them together. It wasn't until tonight that I was struck with one of my own wows, the kind I sometimes experience as a parent when doing things with my own kids and recall a fragmented piece of my childhood - a dormant memory - that gives me the gift of feeling a deeper love for you and dad as parents. Reliving the experience (or a version of) creates that spark of recall, and almost like time travel I catch a glimpse of the parents you must have been for us when we were young children. And now, I completely understand why you never baked with me, not once. Don't worry, I remember you baking for me many times (I will never forget my Boston cream pies), but I see now that there are times where the line just needs to be drawn to maintain a semblance of sanity. Thank you, Mom. I love you.
Start #1: Gifts 34...
34. Seeing my brother-in-law Donny joy filled tonight over the new addition to his family, Miss Macy Mac. Welcome to the family pup! I think you'll fit right in, and thank you for bringing Donny such honest happiness this evening.
35. Finishing a project just now that began with an idea nearly a month ago (I'll have to document that one tomorrow; for now I am thankful that I have a warm, comfortable bed to collapse in).
36. Feeling hopeful that the project will go in the mail tomorrow to mom and dad. I love you mom and dad!
35. Finishing a project just now that began with an idea nearly a month ago (I'll have to document that one tomorrow; for now I am thankful that I have a warm, comfortable bed to collapse in).
36. Feeling hopeful that the project will go in the mail tomorrow to mom and dad. I love you mom and dad!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Start #1: Gifts 28...
28. A house so quiet right now that I hear the crickets serenading me outside.
29. Reading Brooke's post this morning that reminded me I have much to be thankful for, my work environment in particular. Feeling like I took in a full, deep breath of fresh air and exhaled with relaxed shoulders and a smile after reading her posts.
30. Assurance from my dear Mary that life will never be the same now that I've embarked on this journey of change several months ago. Thank you Mary for your support, encouragement, and faith in me!
31. Chatting with the neighbors outside after work while the kids ran between the two houses screaming and laughing.
32. Putting the girls to bed without Andy tonight. Emmy doesn't react very well to change, but the change in routine caused her to seek comfort in her sister at bedtime. I sang the same two songs to Emmy that she has requested every single night for at least six months, no exaggeration (our rendition of Hush Little Baby, thanks to children's book author Sylvia Long, and Rock a Bye Baby - my least favorite childhood song, but I sing it every night at her request), tucked her in, snuggled her ("can you snuggle me, mom?" I hope I will hear those words echo in my memory for years to come), and where a kiss from Andy is usually the end of the ritual, tonight in Andy's absence Emmy asked, "Can my sister come and sing to me?"
Lily stroked her sister's face so gently with her own hand while singing, "Go to sleep and good night, don't let the letter bugs bite, if they do, grab a few, and make a special word or two," hummed to a traditional lullaby melody that if I knew the name I would say. Lily sang it again, finished with Rock a Bye Baby, hugs and kisses, and Emmy said, "Lily, thank you for singing all those songs to me." And Emmy was asleep within minutes.
33. Reconnecting with old friends.
29. Reading Brooke's post this morning that reminded me I have much to be thankful for, my work environment in particular. Feeling like I took in a full, deep breath of fresh air and exhaled with relaxed shoulders and a smile after reading her posts.
30. Assurance from my dear Mary that life will never be the same now that I've embarked on this journey of change several months ago. Thank you Mary for your support, encouragement, and faith in me!
31. Chatting with the neighbors outside after work while the kids ran between the two houses screaming and laughing.
32. Putting the girls to bed without Andy tonight. Emmy doesn't react very well to change, but the change in routine caused her to seek comfort in her sister at bedtime. I sang the same two songs to Emmy that she has requested every single night for at least six months, no exaggeration (our rendition of Hush Little Baby, thanks to children's book author Sylvia Long, and Rock a Bye Baby - my least favorite childhood song, but I sing it every night at her request), tucked her in, snuggled her ("can you snuggle me, mom?" I hope I will hear those words echo in my memory for years to come), and where a kiss from Andy is usually the end of the ritual, tonight in Andy's absence Emmy asked, "Can my sister come and sing to me?"
Lily stroked her sister's face so gently with her own hand while singing, "Go to sleep and good night, don't let the letter bugs bite, if they do, grab a few, and make a special word or two," hummed to a traditional lullaby melody that if I knew the name I would say. Lily sang it again, finished with Rock a Bye Baby, hugs and kisses, and Emmy said, "Lily, thank you for singing all those songs to me." And Emmy was asleep within minutes.
33. Reconnecting with old friends.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Start #1: 20 and Up
20. Mindy's quotes of the day. I don't know the original author, so I can't give credit where credit is due, but here are today's that touched me.
21. "You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present."
22. "And if not now, when?"
23. Lunch across the street from work at El Napolito with genuine companions.
24. Being brought to tears as I witnessed two caregivers (my employer's employees) caring for three children in one of the new Educare Arizona infant/toddler rooms; State-of-the-art facility + necessary, innovative early childhood programs + dedicated, nurturing employees + pure, trusting children = a moment of magic for me today that I will never forget.
Educare Arizona & Southwest Human Development - Head Start
25. Me, Andy and the girls all arriving home safely after a collective 5 hours in cars on Phoenix roads, one end of the valley to another in rush hour traffic.
26. Although my commute is long, so thankful it isn't that long every day.
27. Going to bed earlier than the past couple of nights. Good night.
21. "You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present."
22. "And if not now, when?"
23. Lunch across the street from work at El Napolito with genuine companions.
24. Being brought to tears as I witnessed two caregivers (my employer's employees) caring for three children in one of the new Educare Arizona infant/toddler rooms; State-of-the-art facility + necessary, innovative early childhood programs + dedicated, nurturing employees + pure, trusting children = a moment of magic for me today that I will never forget.
Educare Arizona & Southwest Human Development - Head Start
25. Me, Andy and the girls all arriving home safely after a collective 5 hours in cars on Phoenix roads, one end of the valley to another in rush hour traffic.
26. Although my commute is long, so thankful it isn't that long every day.
27. Going to bed earlier than the past couple of nights. Good night.
Refueling
I took a quick break at work today and sat down in the empty cafeteria to eat my hard boiled egg on toast. I felt transported for a few minutes as I sat in complete silence and read an article in a recycled magazine, one I've never seen until a couple issues just showed up in the cafeteria - WSJ Magazine, (Wall Street Journal). The article I read was in July/August 2011, "Adventure on the Rails" by David Netto. I was hoping to link the article, but after a quick search that didn't turn it up, I will have to wait.
This quick two-page story took me on the rails of Amtrak with the author David, his wife, and two kids:
The end of David's article made me catch my breath at the thought of adventure, so I decided maybe I should start a list of things I want to start so I can pull from that when the time is right. I think I'll call it Starts in Waiting (now on blog), *subject to change without notice, just like life:)
This quick two-page story took me on the rails of Amtrak with the author David, his wife, and two kids:
But when you and I began this conversation about traveling by train, we were never talking about luxury. Better than that, this is adventure. For upon leaving the station you will have entered a little-documented and exciting subculture that not many people, other than the Amish and pot dealers, know much about. Admittedly I'm the kind of guy who takes a rickshaw just because I see one. If you think like that, wait until you see the reaction of an 8-year-old.
Be sure to get a private car, not a shared roomette. This entitles you to twin bunk beds (seats by day, convertible at night), your own bathroom, a whole lot of tiny folded towels - Amtrak doesn't give you much but they love to give you towels - a fold-down table with a checkerboard on the surface and an incomparable feeling of coziness and well-being. If you are not alone, get two adjoining rooms and suite them up. When I travel with my wife and two young daughters, we do this and giggle the whole time, visiting through the sliding door from one room to another.
Instead of losing a day to get to where we're going, our vacation starts the minute we board. Here's what you will get on Amtrak: a feeling of unparalleled excitement when the train starts to move and gathers speed. Snug in your sleeper car, you can look forward to all those hours of contemplation, reading, working, backgammon, whatever.I was so grateful for the 5-minute escape and the enjoyable read, but also realized how that mental getaway and the excitement of a possibility refueled me. I stood up, stretched, and felt as though my mental tank was back on full. I had the realization (yes, another one) that to live my happiness, I need to keep filling myself up with these inspirational moments; that elusive happiness from within, but that I feel like with each entry here, I get closer and closer to, word by word.
The end of David's article made me catch my breath at the thought of adventure, so I decided maybe I should start a list of things I want to start so I can pull from that when the time is right. I think I'll call it Starts in Waiting (now on blog), *subject to change without notice, just like life:)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Start #1: 12 Gifts and Counting
12. My office mate Danielle so thoughtfully sharing a large Tupperware of her homemade peanut butter cookies with me to take home to my family. I didn't arrive home this evening with quite as many as I started with this morning.
13. Words of praise and encouragement from close friends and family.
14. How proud I am of Brooke and I, forever dreaming creativity and for the first time, living it together.
15. Sitting on the edge of my seat today feeling like something big is about to happen!
16. Although my bank account is near minus, loving the difference in my outlook and interactions with others by focusing on the pluses.
17. Lily and I laughing ourselves to tears tonight reading bedtime stories due to a permeating odor so awful you would never believe it was passed by a girl. And I'm not saying which one.Who says girls don't fart?
18. My dictionary from Dearest Aunt Joan (her title for as many years as I've been writing her letters) that she gave me at my high school graduation, and that I still choose that over technology to look words up.
19. A surprise lighting, thunder and rainstorm tonight and an exhilarating walk after; my every pore and olfactory system delighting in the cool, clean, creosote soaked wind.
13. Words of praise and encouragement from close friends and family.
14. How proud I am of Brooke and I, forever dreaming creativity and for the first time, living it together.
15. Sitting on the edge of my seat today feeling like something big is about to happen!
16. Although my bank account is near minus, loving the difference in my outlook and interactions with others by focusing on the pluses.
17. Lily and I laughing ourselves to tears tonight reading bedtime stories due to a permeating odor so awful you would never believe it was passed by a girl. And I'm not saying which one.Who says girls don't fart?
18. My dictionary from Dearest Aunt Joan (her title for as many years as I've been writing her letters) that she gave me at my high school graduation, and that I still choose that over technology to look words up.
19. A surprise lighting, thunder and rainstorm tonight and an exhilarating walk after; my every pore and olfactory system delighting in the cool, clean, creosote soaked wind.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Start #1: Gifts 4 and More
4. Going to bed Sunday night feeling like I was going to burst like a juicy strawberry boba (if you've never experienced this sensation in your mouth, you can find it in the toppings at Yogurtology, and you must seek it immediately). Brooke and I put each other up during the week to start a blog to document our 1000 gifts. Just a few short days later, I actually did it, and the explosion was my stifled writing emerging for the first time in years.
5. Louise Hay's quote: I am open and receptive to all the good and abundance in the Universe. Thank you, Life!
6. Shaking off the feeling this morning that starting my blog was sadly just a dream and, instead, embracing the reality with arms, heart, and mind wide open.
7. The wave of warmth, tingling, and lightheadness I experienced after seeing that I received two comments on my blog today! A realization (another one) that someone, two someones, read what I wrote and were moved enough to comment! Thank you, thank you, for being genuine and of heart! I feel completely inspired to continue!
8. Coming home to a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, cheesy garlic toast, and our family's most savored dinnertime treats - a mouthwatering shallow dish of olive oil, balsamic vinegar cradled at the bottom, crushed garlic, salt and pepper next to another plate of sliced fresh bread just waiting to be dunked. Thank you my sweet Andy, again, for making dinner!
9. Listening to Andy and Emmy reading stories after dinner, watching them curl up in laps and pillows on the floor while Lily and I sat at the dining room table practicing spelling words.
10. Grateful that the girls and I have Andy, a husband and father, who is present, participates, loves, and shares.
11. Grateful to myself for showing up at the page.
5. Louise Hay's quote: I am open and receptive to all the good and abundance in the Universe. Thank you, Life!
6. Shaking off the feeling this morning that starting my blog was sadly just a dream and, instead, embracing the reality with arms, heart, and mind wide open.
7. The wave of warmth, tingling, and lightheadness I experienced after seeing that I received two comments on my blog today! A realization (another one) that someone, two someones, read what I wrote and were moved enough to comment! Thank you, thank you, for being genuine and of heart! I feel completely inspired to continue!
8. Coming home to a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, cheesy garlic toast, and our family's most savored dinnertime treats - a mouthwatering shallow dish of olive oil, balsamic vinegar cradled at the bottom, crushed garlic, salt and pepper next to another plate of sliced fresh bread just waiting to be dunked. Thank you my sweet Andy, again, for making dinner!
9. Listening to Andy and Emmy reading stories after dinner, watching them curl up in laps and pillows on the floor while Lily and I sat at the dining room table practicing spelling words.
10. Grateful that the girls and I have Andy, a husband and father, who is present, participates, loves, and shares.
11. Grateful to myself for showing up at the page.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Realization
My sister-in-law Mindy told me last night that I've used "realization" about five times in the course of the week. To make it an even six, I had a realization today. Another one.
Andy and I had six seed packets of various lettuces in our hand at the nursery today and wondered which would be the best type of soil to plant them in, but that wouldn't break the bank. To plant all the seeds would require us to build a raised garden bed, which we've been wanting to do, which would mean learning how to use the table saw for the first time that we've had in the garage for years unused (thank you, Dad!), to cut the wood that's also been sitting in the garage for maybe a year.
All this would have to be accomplished in the few remaining hours of the afternoon because we're in the last good planting weekend of the year, so we think, but don't know for sure because we are operating on our very limited gardening knowledge of the low-desert planting schedule I printed the other evening from Valley Permaculture Alliance. If anyone is interested in a neat organization, I highly recommend it!
For any teachers, parents, readers out there, you might all the sudden be reminded of Laura Numeroff's If You Give a Moose a Muffin, If You Give a Pig a Party, etc... and wonder why. Yeah, that's our life right there in some very endearing kids books. If only the craziness we create felt so heart-warming.
I said to Andy, "Are you really going to build it?"
"Yes, I just have to learn how to use that saw," he decleared with a telling grin.
I thought about it for a second and said, "You know, maybe we should just put everything back, buy what I need to finish the other project I've had my mind on for several weeks that should really get finished in the next week, and learn more about planning and starting a garden (oh, and operating a table saw, safely) so we are prepared for the spring planting."
Agreed! Hours later I realized what happened. Recently committing to both start and finish, and documenting it here just made us think realistically through an idea beyond our impulse. Is it really something we're going to complete in the time that we have and the budget that we don't have (but will soon - watch for another start!)?
This may be the way some of you operate all the time, but this is a new skill - more like phenomenon - for us. I feel like we've matured (which is altogether different than aged in my book). Wow. I'm flabbergasted and thrilled!
Andy and I had six seed packets of various lettuces in our hand at the nursery today and wondered which would be the best type of soil to plant them in, but that wouldn't break the bank. To plant all the seeds would require us to build a raised garden bed, which we've been wanting to do, which would mean learning how to use the table saw for the first time that we've had in the garage for years unused (thank you, Dad!), to cut the wood that's also been sitting in the garage for maybe a year.
All this would have to be accomplished in the few remaining hours of the afternoon because we're in the last good planting weekend of the year, so we think, but don't know for sure because we are operating on our very limited gardening knowledge of the low-desert planting schedule I printed the other evening from Valley Permaculture Alliance. If anyone is interested in a neat organization, I highly recommend it!
For any teachers, parents, readers out there, you might all the sudden be reminded of Laura Numeroff's If You Give a Moose a Muffin, If You Give a Pig a Party, etc... and wonder why. Yeah, that's our life right there in some very endearing kids books. If only the craziness we create felt so heart-warming.
I said to Andy, "Are you really going to build it?"
"Yes, I just have to learn how to use that saw," he decleared with a telling grin.
I thought about it for a second and said, "You know, maybe we should just put everything back, buy what I need to finish the other project I've had my mind on for several weeks that should really get finished in the next week, and learn more about planning and starting a garden (oh, and operating a table saw, safely) so we are prepared for the spring planting."
Agreed! Hours later I realized what happened. Recently committing to both start and finish, and documenting it here just made us think realistically through an idea beyond our impulse. Is it really something we're going to complete in the time that we have and the budget that we don't have (but will soon - watch for another start!)?
This may be the way some of you operate all the time, but this is a new skill - more like phenomenon - for us. I feel like we've matured (which is altogether different than aged in my book). Wow. I'm flabbergasted and thrilled!
Start #1: 1000 Gifts
My first start is in appreciation of my dear friend Brooke Damore. Brooke shared with me her moving experience of reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. I looked at Ann's website this week and was equally moved and also inspired to start my own list of one thousand gifts. My start is to live a life of gratitude and help my family do the same, beginning with 1000. Thank you for sharing your gift Ann! Here I go...
1. Sitting with Lily and Emmy this morning at the dining room table in our pajamas, me sipping from a warm clay mug of green tea while helping Lily spell words for her Santa list (wondering how I will instill the "giving" part of the season and feeling grateful that I have lots of time to learn) and drawing crayon dolphins and hens with Emmy at her request. Who knew that watching Lily's eyes light up, her list coming to life as she wrote each word herself, and seeing the delight in Emmy's face as perwinkle, blue, yellow orange, outrageous orange, and goldenrod gave breath to our animals would bring me so much peace and happiness.
2. A clean space to work thanks to an unexpected start AND finish today - the growing pile of filing that had taken over the computer desk is not just hidden, but actually filed. This I was able to do because both the girls rested today.
3. Long shadows on a late fall afternoon hike hand in hand, Lily in the middle shouting, "Look, it's a W!"
1. Sitting with Lily and Emmy this morning at the dining room table in our pajamas, me sipping from a warm clay mug of green tea while helping Lily spell words for her Santa list (wondering how I will instill the "giving" part of the season and feeling grateful that I have lots of time to learn) and drawing crayon dolphins and hens with Emmy at her request. Who knew that watching Lily's eyes light up, her list coming to life as she wrote each word herself, and seeing the delight in Emmy's face as perwinkle, blue, yellow orange, outrageous orange, and goldenrod gave breath to our animals would bring me so much peace and happiness.
2. A clean space to work thanks to an unexpected start AND finish today - the growing pile of filing that had taken over the computer desk is not just hidden, but actually filed. This I was able to do because both the girls rested today.
3. Long shadows on a late fall afternoon hike hand in hand, Lily in the middle shouting, "Look, it's a W!"
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