Start #1: Gifts 542...

542. Although I was hoping to pull weeds on Sunday, when Lily asked me just before I sat down outside, "Mom, will you color with me?" I said, "Absolutely."  Lily and I sat on either side of the kids picnic table, my right cheek and neck getting warm in the afternoon sun as we colored and talked.  Ater Emmy woke up from her nap, she came outside to join us and asked if she could paint.  Andy even pulled himself away from his projects in the kitchen to sit and paint with Emmy at the other table outside.  They did Emmy's favorite thing, painting each other's hands with the paintbrush to then slap their hands on the paper.  Here is the result of our brain vacation in the backyard, sharing time together:

543. A quick family walk at sunset Sunday night together after dinner.

544. Being greeting at the door by Emmy with her arms wrapped around my leg and hands tugging on my pant legs.

545. A cookie treat from coworker Danielle, makes me feel like Cookie Monster.  I can't stop at just one.

546. Looking over at the couple next to me in their car at the stop light and seeing their hands interlaced together, he, with his eyes closed, bringing their hands to his lips so he could kiss the top of her hand.  Such a sweet, tender moment. 

547. Hearing a love story on the way home from work today on NPR.  The couple being interviewed have been married for over 50 years.  They were reminiscing about their first date and how he fell in love with her the moment he saw her bounding down the stairs to greet him for the first time, her pony tail bouncing behind her.  She fell in love with him because on that first date she talked with him about her favorite classical piece by Shumann, and weeks later he remembered that detail and had it sent to her with flowers, even though he was sick in the university's infirmary with mono.  Here's the link to the interview and piece, "Winter Songs: Young Love in Ithaca, with Schumann's Help."

548. Giving in to my exhaustion, ignoring all other duties and going to rest at 8:30pm.  I did get up at 9:30 to take a shower, but got an extra hour of sleep in my evening.  And now for the rest.

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Start #1: Gift 541...

541. Finishing here what I started Saturday night.  Lily broke down Saturday night in tears in a complete sensory overload meltdown.  Between sobs Lily said, "It was just a really hard day for me today."  She slept over at Nonna's on Friday night and had a very fun, busy day Saturday.  We counted the stops on Sunday and Lily discovered she went to 10 places all in that day, including 2 restaurants, an indoor soccer field, a shopping trip to Justice to try on clothes, and a shoe store to try on three pairs of shoes.  These are some of Lily's most difficult things to do all on their own.  Add them all up in a day, and that's what happens: overload.

After Lily had some time alone as she can't handle any consoling, no touching, no voices, Andy and I went back in her room.  I said, "Lily, this is the part that nobody sees, the part that nobody understands."  Because she was in the midst of fun with her Nonna, sometimes she doesn't realize the toll that it's taking as one block gets stacked on top of the other, getting closer and closer to toppling.  Other times, she is able to self-check along the way and say when she needs a break.  But, Lily being who she is, will often when with others not say a word because she doesn't want to disappoint anyone.

I suggested that maybe if she talk with Nonna about what she's feeling right now, at this moment at the end of a filled day, that this would help Nonna understand.  She said, "Mom, I don't want to talk to anyone about this.  This is my own personal business, my own secret, and I don't want to tell anybody.  When kids ask me at school sometimes why I'm so nervous, I say, 'It's none of your beeswax.  Some things are hard for some people and other things are hard for other people.' "  This broke my heart.  I asked if she would want to call her Occupational Therapist about this, "Lily, Tonya said you can call her anytime, anytime at all."  Lily replied, "I do Mom, just not right now."

Lily sat in her chair and I started doing the deep joint compression exercises that help calm her system down, bring it back to neutral.  She leaned back with her head resting on the top of the chair and said, "You know Mom, I think I do want to call Nonna."  I tried to stifle the surprise in my voice, "You do?  Are you sure?  You don't have to if you want to, only if you want to."  "I do," she said.

I grabbed the phone and Lily called.  Nonna answered the phone and I could tell they were exchanging the polite check-ins at the beginning of the conversations.  Then Lily said, "Nonna, today was a really hard day for me."  Lily talked a little, I could hear Nonna talk a little, and back and forth this went, very quietly, right before my eyes as I sat on the floor in front of her massaging her arms and legs in long, downwards strokes with her favorite smelly lotion, Coconut Lime Breeze.

Lily said goodnight, I love you, and handed the phone to me.  Rose said, "I feel so bad!"  I said, "Don't feel bad Rose, because she had fun.  And only good has come out of this."  She asked me a few more questions, and said that she told Lily to tell her anytime she is feeling that things are difficult because otherwise, she will never know.  I thanked Rose and said, "You know, you must be pretty special because you're the first person she's talked with about this." We talked for another minute and said goodnight, I love yous.

I sat on Lily's bed facing her where she lay propped up on her pillows.  I looked at her with my eyes just about ready to burst.  "Lily, I am so very proud of you for what you just did, for talking with someone about something that was very difficult for you to talk about!  You are incredible, just so incredible."  I asked, "How did you feel while you were talking with Nonna?"  Lily replied, "Nervous."  I said, "You would have never know that, Lily, by the way your voice sounded.  I'm just so proud of you."  "Mom, you know that stuffed animal...," she changed the subject so quietly and quickly.

I tucked her in after a short story and left her room feeling like I could fly.  For my daughter to be doing this thing now, just two weeks away from seven, that I am just now learning to do.  This thing of asking for what it is we need, for believing that we are important, valued, and loved, loving ourselves enough to let our own voices be heard.

Start #1: Gifts 534...

534. Sleep.  8 hours of sleep.  Not uninterrupted, but sleep.

535. Staying home with just Emmy while Andy went to watch Lily at gymnastics.  She helped me make a smoothie.  I got to watch her peel her own hard-boiled egg all by herself, then run to her bathroom sink to rinse it off before she ate it.  We watched Benji.  Our Emmy is so rough and tumble, yet so sensitive; it nearly made me cry to see her chin quiver when she knew Benji was sad in one part of the movie.  We grocery shopped in the playroom, Emmy rung me up at her cash register, then we took our grocery sack to the play kitchen and cooked donuts - Emmy flipped hers over with a spatula all by herself.  I fully immersed myself in play with her, which was so entertaining for both of us that we laughed wholeheartedly with mouths open and heads thrown back.

536. A gorgeous hike on a warm, winter weekend in a desert so near-bursting with Spring.  Sometimes, the desert is shades of brown, but on a day like today, there was a rainbow of greens surrounding me, all on a backdrop of a bright blue sky.

537. My heart rate up, and over 10,000 steps/4.5 miles today!

538. Sitting on top of the Sonoran Mountain Ranch East Wing Mountain and feeling a peacefulness that felt like a welcome stranger.  I closed my eyes and saw the shadows playing in front of my eyes as strands of my hair danced across my face.  I opened my eyes and saw pairs of yellow butterflies chasing each other so playfully in and around the desert brush.

539. Deciding to make it a regular habit to walk down with the girls to the neighbors' house on the end of our street to give our freshly cut roses that they will offer in prayer.

540. Lily learning to do today what I am just now learning how to do. Want to elaborate more on this one, but it will have to wait until tomorrow.  I keep falling asleep mid-sentence.

Start #1: Gifts 525...

525. Finally connecting my Humana pedometer to be able to log my steps, miles, and calories to earn points on my Humana Vitality, our health insurance's new rewards-based wellness program.  Saving my point rewards to cash in for a family size tent or a kayak!  It was so rewarding to look down and see that at the end of last night I had walked 5,901 steps/2.6 miles without yet doing a workout.  It is motivating me to see the measurements on my pedometer and all the capabilities of Vitality that I am still learning about.

526. Making someone smile today with a small gift of pictures.  I was able to stay on budget with a small frame from Target - under $2, printed some pictures at home, and the result was very heartwarming to see how happy the recipient was.  This made me grin from ear to ear.  I love the simple pleasures like this.

527. Receiving an email update about two friends, husband and wife, who have faced so bravely the start of a healing process - hearing that Phase 1 that took place over a 3-day treatment this week has been successful and that they are feeling blessed at the progress so far, as well as taking pleasure in the small (but so monumental) things like being able to snuggle today.

528. Positive energy shared between friends as emails of support and love for each other have been exchanged all week.

529. Gaining confidence in my new abilities at work.  I had a bench mark realization today when a conversation that is usually difficult for me to have with employees about medical leave felt more like second nature as we discussed her options.

530. Our third appointment with Financial Counselor Victor Encinas.  We are so very grateful to Victor for showing us the way to financial freedom.  Although we have a long way to go, Andy and I left our appointment today feeling exhilarated about our progress and future.

531. A whole grown-up hour to ourselves in a restaurant - WOW, a double-whammy.  Our alone time has been long overdue and dining in a restaurant so far in the distance that we felt like we were making an eye sore of ourselves oohing and ahhing over the free pickle plate and bread bowl at Chompie's before we ordered.  What can I say, we had a $20 gift card;)

532. An unexpected treat of a bag of mini-Oreos from Rose tonight when we picked up Emmy (Lily is spending the night with Nonna for a sleepover).  Oreos, one of my weaknesses.  Everything in moderation, right?!

533.  Coming home, putting Emmy to bed, and crawling into bed under the covers to wrap up our week talking with each other in bed.  Fridays always seem to be our early nights - no lunches to get ready for the next day, etc..., so we take complete advantage when we can.

Start #1: Gifts 516...

516. Incredibly grateful for being woken up by Emmy only one time last night, as opposed to the 6 - 8 times each night for the three nights prior (tried to type last night and kept nodding off with my fingers on the keys!).

517. Making it through a difficult supervision with my supervisor.  Grateful for the gift of finally being able to spend some time together to catch up, get answers. At one point though, the meeting grew very uncomfortable.  I recognized the feeling rising up within me, the frustrated, familiar feeling of being wronged. 

When I had the opportunity to step out for a moment due to an interruption, I did just that and gave myself a change of scenery and some deep breaths to regain my composure.  I felt like I really grew in my ability to know when it's worth it to put up a fight, and to recognize when it's better to be calm.  When I returned, we continued our conversation, and at the end I was able to calmly let her know my biggest concern without putting anyone else in a bad spot.  That felt really good.

518. Making an amazing new recipe.  It felt like such comfort food eating it, and Andy loved it which makes me feel so fulfilled that I can give back to him a little of what he's done time and time again for me.  Turkey Sausage (I substituted Italian Chicken Sausage), Mushroom, Potato Gratin

519. So thankful that my coworker who I share an office with has been considerate enough to stay home after finding out she has bronchitis.  I am the kind who believes it is much more important to stay home and rest instead of infecting everyone at work and feeling miserable in the process. 

520. Arriving to work on time for two days in a row!  This feels like an accomplishment after changing schedules and routes and realizing what time I really need to leave the house now to make things work.

521. Finding out today that the agency I work for, Southwest Human Development, is now considered "One of the Healthiest Employers in the Valley" based on a survey I completed and essay I wrote last month for the Phoenix Business Journal.  So grateful to work at a place that I do that does so much for its employees!  Awards ceremony and winners to be announced soon:)  Yahoo!

522. Having a budget, such a rewarding gift.  We spent from envelopes for the first time this pay period (did groceries only last pay period), and seeing that cash leave the envelope made me so much more conscious of how I spend, what I choose to spend on, what is really a necessity, and having the will power to hand some items back to the cashier at the register after I saw that I reached my limit.

523, Having friends who are tyring to do the same thing we're doing with a budget and plan.  So nice to be able to talk with them honestly about the ups and downs of developing discipline, and remembering what it's all for.

524. The cute, little, simple invitations I made tonight for the girls' birthday party.  I can't wait to see Lily's face when she sees them with a picture of Winter from Dolphin Tale on the front.  She is going to go nuts!  Things like this, being able to do these "mom" things, also is so fulfilling to me and pulls my love for our girls right out onto my sleeve.

Start #1: Gifts 510

510. So grateful to have a supervisor who is okay with me being late and okay with me adjusting my schedule as needed to get my time in.

511. Finishing things on my desk that have never truly been finished, making room for new projects.

512. A quick walk to a couple of our other buildings this morning in the cool, clean morning air.

513. A break from routine today with two visits to three very special friends who truly bring a smile to my face and also, to my heart.

514. Discovering that Lily got hold of my cell phone and seeing that she set a new wall paper background - a pic of herself:)

515. That I am in bed with the lights out 2 1/2 hours earlier than last night!  Hooray!!!

Start #1: Gifts 495...

495. Realizing now, in my absence of thanks, that when I feel stuck, sad, worn down by it all, that maybe this is when I need to take time to be grateful the most.  To follow, here are a few I jotted down from the weekend but didn't take time for since I scribbled them on Saturday afternoon.

496. Waking up Saturday morning to see that our homemade traps worked overnight to catch the infestation of fruit flies that we got from a half-eaten banana left on the kitchen counter one night during the week.  What a relief.

497. The soft orange-pink glow of the sunrise filling up the house.  Here was the view from the other side of the glass.

498. A great article on our Financial Counselor Victor Encinas' blog, "Diamonds In Your Yard, Not In The Sky." This article got Andy and I even more excited about making our first attempt at growing some vegetables this Spring, and inspired lofty ideas of a community farmer's market as well as thinking more about writing.

499. Smiles, jumps, hugs and hot dogs with Emmy at a visit to her old school for a snow day celebration.

500. The feel of Andy's breath on my cheek as he exhaled while we hugged and watched Emmy jump her little heart out on the bouncy at the celebration.

501. Knowing Lily is having the time of her life getting some big girl time with her friends Reese and Riley, and cousin Harlee.

502. A spontaneous visit with a neighbor who gave me a crash course on vegetable gardening.  Nearly brought tears to my eyes to see a crown of broccoli poised so perfectly at the top of its plant - I honestly had no idea that it grew like that - and at being able to pluck a leaf of chard right out of the garden and munch on it while we talked.

503. Remembering that we have a juicer stashed in a little-used cabinet and pulling it out to juice fruit and veggies before they went bad.  Also, I got such a thrill watching Emmy's eyes light up as she helped me stuff the pieces into the chute to then realize that this led to juice pouring down the spout.  Emmy loved the orange juice, but the apple carrot - not so much. 

504. Another week of planned lunches an dinners (and me getting to make the menu by myself at the house for a couple hours, sneaking a quick break to dance to Marvin Gaye).

505. That Andy and I are equal partners.  I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I don't know what we would do if one of us didn't pitch in to get everything done day in and day out.  I feel very grateful to have this balance in our relationship, that we seem to handle the give and take with stride with each week. 

506. Getting to see Jake and Skype last night to wish him a wonderful first day of school today. 

507. Realizing that I'm typing numbers of gratitude and gifts in the 500's!  That makes me smile!

508. The rain lightly falling on the roof right now while I type.

509. An evening with just Lily and Emmy while Andy stayed at work for an event.  They brought out in me belly laughs and appreciation for their help in the kitchen while we made breakfast for dinner.  I even made it through bath time with a quiet voice and soft words that led to a peaceful bedtime.  Bath time, for some reason or another, is usually very overwhelming for me.  Not sure what happens, but it's a trigger, and the girls know this, and have perfected this most opportune time for button-pushing.  But tonight was perfect, and I'm so grateful for this gift of a special night with them.

Start #1: Gifts 486...

486. Arriving to work safely after navigating the seas of traffic - late, but safe.

487. Having a peaceful work environment and the quiet (most of the time) that I need to function.

488. Being given a gift of a dozen fresh chicken eggs from Scott's chickens this morning.

489. Seeing Lily walk across the field from school with a new friend called a shoulder pet - cutest thing I've seen in awhile, made me smile, and I even got to drive home with the shoulder pet perched on me:)

490. Taco salad night! Tasted so fresh with red leaf lettuce, avocado, red onion, cilantro, ranch beans, cheese, tomato, sour cream, ground turkey and crushed tortilla chips.  And I get to enjoy it all over again for lunch.

491. Andy walking through the door after work and greeting me in the kitchen with a kiss, even despite his difficult, draining, long day.

492. Emmy looking up at me in the kitchen, all ready for bed first saying, "Mom, I got dressed all by myself!"  As she pulled down the front collar of her pajama shirt she said, "See?  Tag in back!" Which she followed with, "See?  Writing in back!" as she pulled down the front of her undies to show me.  We high-fived.  She came back in a few minutes later to where I was still doing dishes and asked, "Mom?  Can you please stop what you're doing and read me a book?"  And so we did.

493. A clean kitchen floor feels like a true gift right now as it has been way too long since any liquid but spills have touched it.  Ahhhh, feels so great in the house just knowing the hub is clean.

494. A phone call from my mom sharing news with me in the most excited voice I've ever heard come out of her mouth - they just bought plane tickets to visit in March!  Yippee!!!

Start #1: Gifts 475...

475. How nice it feels to be the nice guy on the road who waves someone in on the on ramp merge.

476. Getting to promote wellness in the workplace.

477. An unexpected loan of a couple of movies - Mama Mia and Sherlock Holmes, something to look forward to seeing.

478. Leaving work early to pick up Lily from school, I will never tire of this!

479. Finishing dinner for tonight, lunches for tomorrow and making more chocolate peanut butter granola for snacks all before 5:30pm!

480. Andy having time with just Emmy tonight while Lily and I had time just the two of us - we see sides of our kids that rarely make an appearance because they're usually too busy harassing each other.  Lily talked the whole way to and from her Girl Scout meeting and we had the best time just being together in the car chatting.

481. Getting 30 minutes of exercise in today walking/running with Molly while Lily was at her meeting.  Molly enjoyed the bunnies and the change of scenery.

482. Time for stretching before Lily's meeting was done.

483. Doing an evening relaxation yoga with Lily before bed (part of the 21-day Yoga Challenge).  Lily started to grasp the concept of coordinating the inhale and exhale with movements, which was really neat to see take place.  We held hands as we laid on the floor next to each other on our backs doing gentle twists with our eyes closed.  This was the best and I hope it's one of those moments that become a memory of me and my daughter, our relationship, that I never forget.

484. My aunt Barb who sends links my way that support my path.  So excited to try the homemade body butter recipe she forwarded today!  I'll post that link after I try it.  Thank you!

485. About to try my first banana scrub on my face in the shower, if I don't eat it first because it smells so good!  Mashed banana, oats, milk and honey.  Here I go!

Start #1: Gifts 468...

468. Our first wellness lunch n' learn at work today - Fitting in Fitness - by Scott Crawford.  He is one of the most knowledgeable people I have ever met when it comes to nutrition, what to put in your body - or more importantly, what NOT to put in/on  your body, being a healthier person, and exercising.  As he said today, "Don't let life get in the way of living." 

I gained a completely different perspective on making time for fitness, especially if we want quality of life as we age, more time with those we love, and to not force our children to have to take care of us at a younger age than necessary.  I am completely inspired and motivated. 

If anyone is interested, follow Scott on Facebook at Crawford Training and Consulting.  Scott will be the first to tell you that his page is scary and sometimes depressing, but being aware of what's happening with our food and learning how to make positive changes (i.e., the beginner's gardening class I just found a link to on his page tonight) is eye-opening; life-changing.

469. Shopping at Sprout's today after work by myself, sampling coffee and singing to some great songs being pumped through the store. 

470. Discovering the loose spice wall at Sprout's today for the first time while on the hunt for garam masala.  Having all these choices, colors and scents right in front of me made me feel like I was traveling the globe without even moving my feet.

471. Watching Emmy at the dinner table tonight, just the two of us remaining at the table, as she tried to make me laugh just by being her goofy self (and how she succeeded every time in getting a genuine belly laugh out of me).

472. Lily, Emmy and I talking through our challenges of the night together and ending with hugs.

473. The cutest pair of Converse tennis that I just got for Lily that work!  Finding shoes is one of her biggest sensory challenges and we fail more than succeed when it comes to footwear.  So happy that she loves them and that her feet are safe and happy (and fashionable too)!

474. Having some time to catch up with Andy tonight to iron out details and plans for the next couple of weeks - the kind of talking we rarely make time for during the week in the blur of routine.

Start #1: Gifts 456...

456. Thankful for no broken bones after the girls decided it would be really fun to launch themselves off the couch onto their bean bag chairs several feet away.  It wasn't until the bags hit the wood and slid that things got crazy and then ended with a piercing cry, tears, and a foot that wouldn't move.  That timeless expression that you can't really appreciate until your a parent came to mind, "It's always fun until someone gets hurt."  But my all time favorite, which is more like parenting advice that came from my mom, which came from her dad, is this: Close calls don't count.

457. So grateful to have made it through the weekend, everyone in tact and still caring about each other.  Emotions and decibels ran high until bedtime last night.

458.  Being brave enough to talk about the things that are painful and difficult with Andy, and realizing that out of pain can come the most monumental growth.

459. Trust in love and each other.

460. Reconnecting, rekindling our hearts, minds and bodies.

461. Time to myself to think.

462. Reading about a friend being inspired to help a stranger.  Although she put herself in danger by offering a man who had just missed his bus a ride to where he needed to get to, the outcome was so touching and inspiring, and I believe that a few pieces were critical here - trusting her intuition to keep her safe and to know she was making the right choices, and a desire to pay it forward.  Thank you for sharing with me today your beautiful story.

463. The lengthening days and a change of schedule today that enabled me to witness a gorgeous winter sunset on my way home from work.

464. A house full of commotion and chaos when I got home from work that has made me appreciate even more the bliss of silence right now.

465. Thankful that other people's kids do embarrassing things so I know we're not alone.  The neighbor's son thought it might be a good idea to pee on our patio tonight - moments after a warning from his mom due to another  time he was over and peed in the grass. 

466. Heat to take the chill out of the air.

467. Writing.

Start #3: Writer's Block

I'm changing Start #3 - Writer's Block Wednesday to Writer's Block becuase I never know which day of the week I'm going to get my juices flowing.  So, here I am on Monday catching up from last Wednesday's word, Brace.

BRACE FOR THE FALL

On the edge, I am
You are
a pier walking out into the lake,
reaching out for my hands
withdrawn on my chest.

My tears fall into the water
Surrounding you, gently colliding
into the solidness of you.
I let them pour out of me,
feel my chest rise and fall
beneath my hands, beneath yours.

I hold my breath, brace myself
fearful to set foot on your planks,
to move, to love, to unfold,
to give myself to you.

Choking through tears,
my feet move beneath me, one slowly in front of the other.
I cannot see the bottom from here.

Are you afraid?  I ask.
Are you worried?
Are you apprehensive?
Are you any of these things that I am that stop me from sprinting with
wood creaking under me, water lapping around me, breezes tousling my hair,
diving off the end, into you?

No, you answer.
Not any of these things.

I close my eyes and let go.
Nothing has ever been so simple.

Start #1: Gifts 452...

452. Starting the day with yoga, and Emmy at my side trying to do the poses with me.

453. Something I forgot to write the other day but don't want to forget.  Lily and I were listening to an audio CD in the car and Lily said, "Turn it down mom, I have something good too."  I turned the CD off and Lily said, "Mom, always know your ABC's."  I thought to myself, I interrupted what we were both enjoying for this?  Of course I know my ABC's.  I can see Emmy saying this, but Lily who is years beyond the basics? 

"Stop, and Always Be Calm, Mom.  This is what I learned from Fire Pal Matt.  Always Be Calm, you try it now Mom."  I see.  I see these moments when my child grows wise and I have the joy of learning from her. 

She talked about the context of how to do this in dangerous situations, but it is truly a universal, and easy to remember all-the-time message.  ABC!

454. An early spring cleaning frenzy and rearranging.  Rearranging furniture makes me feel to refreshed and clutter-free.  As Emmy approaches three years old, we are making a gradual departure from having a baby in the house, which definitely brings moments of sadness and celebration all at the same time.  Packed away the monitor and all the baby board books that she no longer needs.  She already has a library of new books in her room thanks to Lily going through her books a couple weeks ago.  And we have a box full of books that some new babies and toddlers will be able to enjoy.  The playroom has been cleaned out and rearranged too, what a great feeling and I feel like I accomplished something.

455. Sharing Glendale Glitter and Glow together last night with Harlee, Nonna, Andy and the girls.  The flames of the hot air balloons were exciting and the soft glow beautiful.  And I got my people-watching fix:)

Start #1: Gifts 439...

439. A clean, safe, full glass of cold water to drink when I'm feeling parched.  I know there are so many world-wide who can't say the same, and having this in my life is something that I never take for granted.

440. Having the opportunity to go out for an evening with the girls to celebrate two of their birthdays.  This means having a group of wonderful, amazing girlfriends in my life to share time with, and having an incredibly loving and supporting husband who takes on the girls, the house and the chores for an evening for so that I can do this.

441. Finally getting to hear in person one of the girls tell her story of falling head over heals in love, and seeing her face light up with that love through the biggest smile I've ever seen on her.

442. Andy liking my garlic mashed potatoes last night.  Score!

443. Salvaging a sensory meltdown yesterday morning without screaming from anyone in our house, and still making it to work on time.

444. Picking up Lily from school today and heading to Starbuck's for a hot chocolate with whipped cream and one of her most favorite mini vanilla bean scones, a much needed pit stop for her to break up the difficulty of being back to school, homework, and sensory overload.  We shared my leftover hummus and veggies and I got to teach her a way around double-dipping.  I felt as though we were the only two in the store; the two of us sat at a table adorned with a bright yellow tablecloth in the sun of the window seats and  laughed together while we had a sword fight with stir sticks, arm wrestled, and played thumb wars.

445. Garlic and more garlic.  Added lots of crushed garlic to my broiled cauliflower.  I can never have too much garlic.

446. Catching up over the phone with a dear friend whom I admire for the strength, stamina, courage, and love she has to get through what's on her plate right now.

447. Finally having two headlights on my car that work.  Lily and I stopped on our way home today to pick up the headlights that had to be special ordered from the warehouse yesterday.  On our way through the parking lot back to the car Lily asked me, "Mom, are you going to use them right now?"  I said, "I don't know how to put these in, we'll have to wait for Daddy to do it."  Then I paused and said, "Well, we're girls Lily, we're smart, we should be able to figure it out.  Should we try together?"  I admired myself and my daughter - I in my heels, skirt and long scarf, and Lily in her lavender converse, jeans, and sparkle shirt, as we together successfully installed my two new headlights.  Girl power.

448. Seeing the E+ on Lily's progress report (the highest score she can get right now in first grade) in Music Achievement, of all things.  I couldn't stop laughing to even tell Andy who looked over my shoulder because I envisioned Lily just singing her little heart out like she does at home in the shower.  Just really made me smile.  She's doing such a great job in school, all across the board.

449. Talking with someone today who's actually leaving tomorrow to visit Cartagena, Colombia.  I love the movie Romancing the Stone:)

450. The way the moon shone through the block glass wall in the bathroom as I took a shower tonight with the lights dimmed.

451. Hearing the howling wind outside my window right now as I type and knowing that I'm safe, protected and warm in our bed right now.  Lights out.

Start #1: Gifts 436...

436. Having the realization last night that keeping up with my gifts as often as I can is almost like taking a vitamin that protects me from or decreases the chances of depression.  This has been an unexpected and hugely appreciated gift.

437. Thankful for the little arms that drape around my shoulders as I carry Emmy from our room back to her bed, every night several times a night as of late.  She's been processing so much these past few weeks that we've been getting lots of late night visits.  Just had visit #1 for tonight, 11:30pm.

438.  Grateful that starting this blog has helped me accept myself for who I am.  I do have the best of intentions.  I do want to do the 21-day yoga challenge.  I completed day 1 yesterday, but circumstances happened today that made yoga not happen. 

But I did get to pick Lily up from school, get dinner, lunches for tomorrow and part of tomorrow's dinner ready.  I did get to spend one-on-one time with the girls before bed. I did get to take Molly and myself out for a run in the night chill and talk with a really nice woman at the park. I then remembered that I had to run out and get two headlights for my car (I was down one, the other went out this morning!)  I came back and made part of a birthday gift with Andy for tomorrow. 

For all the things I did, yoga wasn't one of them.  But I now know through this practice of giving thanks and launching starts, it's okay.  Although I do have many starts, this process on the page has helped me be conscious of my desires and intentions, and I have seen improvement.  So I pick up tomorrow where I left off.  One day of yoga is better than none, right?  It's all about looking at the Bright Side of the Road - couldn't help but think of this Van Morrison song that has been stuck in my head ever since it appeared there while I was taking a shower.

Start #1: Gifts 421...

421. A great start to our brand new week!

422. Opening my lunch to find the most delicious food and snacks, so good for my body.  Mid-morning snack - plain yogurt with the peanut butter and chocolate granola that I made yesterday.  Lunch - Mexican Acorn Squash Soup with Spicy Seeds that Andy made and an orange from Rose's tree.  Afternoon snack - carrots, green pepper and celery with sun dried tomato hummus.  So refreshing and satisfying, all of it!

423.  My amazing husband who has been plowing through making dinners and lunches as if he's whipping up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

424. Feeling completely calm and happy at work today, enjoying my interactions with new hires and coworkers.

425. Emailing back and forth with Dad today and being blown away at how he is tackling his health head on.  As I told him today - so incredibly amazed by him and proud of him for his courage, strength and determination.

426. Walking in the front door at Rose and Dave's today to pick up Emmy to see: Dave sitting on the floor in the living room at the coffee table next to Emmy sitting on the little red stool at the coffee table as she very carefully painted Dave's nails.  Oh my gosh, so very sweet.  Clear polish, of course.

427. Coming home to Lily in such an organized (sensory kind) state, by far not at all what I expected on her first day back to school.  She had already done her homework and was at Summer's house across the street.  She came in so happy to see Emmy and gave her a big hug.

428. Lily getting assigned 2nd grade level spelling words for the 2nd semester because she's doing so great with her reading.  I'm so very proud of her.

429. Andy proposing for a candlelight dinner to try and distract the girls from a new recipe, spinach enchiladas.  Loved the ambiance, and the girls didn't turn their noses up at spinach because they could hardly see it.

430. Emmy singing at the dinner table, word-for-word but with her Emmy twist, the song that Nonna taught her today, "How Much is that Doggy in the Window."

431. Lily making dessert for us all - sliced bananas with a drizzle of Hershey's chocolate syrup.

432. Emmy asking me, "Can you just hold me for a few minutes?"  Ah, my dream.  I will take these moments whenever I can get them.

433. Lily telling me, "I need a hug."  We held each other so tight with her legs wrapped around my waist.  After awhile I tried to put her down and she squeezed even tighter saying, "I'm not done yet."  Ah, all over again. 

434. Andy discovering that the Lost filming locale is located where we're going to visit in Oahu in July.  His dream come true!  I told him I would go with him because he was gracious enough to humor me when I wanted to visit Salzburg, Austria for the Sound of Music tour.  I love that we are married to each other!

435. Yoga challenge day 1 - completed the yoga with Andy by my side.  It felt so amazing to breathe and stretch after sitting at a computer all day today.  So I'm logging off to get ready for a shower, then back on only for a guided meditation before bed.  Peace.

Start #1: Gifts 410...

410. A weekend with nothing planned but planning for a busy week: Andy and Lily back to school and Emmy starting her new school on Tuesday.  This means hectic, shifting schedules, early early mornings and hopefully, earlier nights.

411. Watching Lily back at her gymnastics class Saturday morning after being off for two weeks for winter break.  Lily is so graceful to watch and I see such a different side of her when she's practicing.

412. Donuts with Lily and Emmy after gymnastics and the kindness of an older woman behind us in line.  The woman behind us could have been a grandma, but I'm not for certain.  She watched as I tried to contain Emmy while we waited in line.  To keep Emmy busy, I asked her to pick out a milk from the refrigerator for her and Lily to share.  The woman saw that it was hard for Emmy to keep the door open and reach inside at the same time to get the milk.  She stepped out of line to hold the door open for Emmy and smiled.  At my prompting when Emmy ran back to my side she quietly said to the woman, "Thank you for holding the door for me."  The woman smiled so sweetly at us and with such soft eyes.  Then we ended up at the two registers next to each other.  I needed one penny that I was certain I had somewhere.  I muttered mostly to myself, "Where is that penny?  I know it's here somewhere."  Without saying a word, the woman leaned over and handed a penny to my cashier and then smiled at me.  The kindness of strangers like this is so pleasant and reassuring.

413. A whole week of lunches for the girls and dinners planned, shopped for and prepped.  Whew.  So grateful we had an open weekend to be able to do this in hopes that our week will be more smooth and that we can enjoy more time together during the week.

414. Running into Mindy at the grocery store and her suggesting that I'm low on iron.  We made big, juicy Angus beef burgers after for dinner - unheard of in this almost only ground turkey household.  I devoured my burger, took some iron, and then took it again today.  I have not been eating nearly as many greens the past month as I have been in months prior, so hopefully this will help in the meantime.  I felt a lot better today.

415. In bed until 8am today!  I would almost bet that this has only happened a handful (as in no more than one handful) of times since we had Lily nearly seven years ago.

416. The girls' gaining independence to allow us to sleep in.  Never mind the yogurt and granola fest on and around the laptop that they were watching a show on when we finally got out of bed:)  The price to pay for sleeping in was well worth the clean up!

417. A surprise early birthday gift for Lily from Nonna.  Rose found a really cute white desk on Craigslist for Lily's room and delivered it today.  Although I wasn't planning on it, it was the perfect time to rearrange Lily's room and get things in order for her.  She had outgrown her little girl dresser and I had to move those clothes out anyway.  Seeing her drawing at her desk while I finished hanging all her clothes in her closet made me take notice that the arrival of this one piece of furniture and the repurposing of her dresser in the playroom made room for Lily to fit perfectly into the grown girl she has become.

418. Staying on top of the bills and our budget this weekend.

419. Tennis at the school courts today and all the other players who arrived smiling at the girls and Molly who were running, chasing balls and riding scooters.

420. Looking forward to starting the 21-day Yoga Challenge that begins tomorrow!

Start #1: Gifts 402...

402. Forgot to say this one the other night, but it is certainly not unforgettable.  I have been so incredibly zapped of energy this week that I can't manage to stay awake after we put the girls to bed.  Andy woke me up from Lily's bed where I fell asleep with her after her book the other night.  I stumbled out of her room and said, "Can we go snuggle?"  Andy just put his arm around me as we walked slowly to our room, climbed in bed, and just talked for awhile.  I have no idea how much time passed before I fell asleep again, but I do know that it was so nice to talk together about how we're feeling, making decisions together about the girls, and just holding each other.  It's amazing to me how much these small, simple moments are so much appreciated in this stage of life where time feels like it's on fast forward.

403. Excited about trying to make my own facial scrubs. I am down to nothing in my tub, so thinking that I can probably make something on my own with ingredients we already have, I am in the process of hunting down some homemade recipes to make my own.  Last night I started simple and tried a baking soda paste with water.  This was a little bit harsh, but my face felt soft and clean when done - just a little dried out.  I am excited to prep tomorrow to try a couple more recipes.  I plan to grind up some oats and almonds to keep ready in jars and mix with other ingredients.  Recession Proof Beauty - 10 Homemade Facial Scrubs

404. Thankful for Friday, made it through one week of work with Janet being on vacation.  I love the growth that I feel when she is gone because it challenges me, but it will be nice to have her return so I can catch up and we can plan for the new year together.

405. Being able to help an employee learn more about her benefits today, potentially saving her hundreds of dollars and two teeth she was considering having pulled because she thought this would be cheaper than getting her root canal.

406.  Lynn's Facebook photo album of their winter break vacation to hike with their girls in Death Valley.  Her pictures honestly make me feel like this has to be one of the prettiest places on Earth.  She has inspired me to put our nation's National Park treasures on my list of must do's in our lifetime, preferable with our kids.

407. Finding a bunch of great recipes online today to make use of all the seasonal, affordable citrus we are so lucky to have in Arizona right now - Celebrate Citrus!

408. Coming home from work to the most love-filled hugs and kisses from the girls and Andy. 

409. The feeling of having a whole weekend ahead of me to be productive.  So much to do.

Start #1: Gifts 398...

398. Starting my day with juicy, refreshing, mouth-watering grapefruit that is now in season.

399. Rolling out of bed and doing some stretching on the floor before I even attempt to start my day.  I have found that it gives me some space to shake off my slumber much better than brushing my teeth with my eyes closed as I sit on the edge of the tub does.

400. Painting my toenails bright, shiny red while the girls took a bath, and listening in on their imaginations in action as they played with their barbies and turtles in the tub.

401. Thankful for my adjustment today from Dr. Dave.  Now I'm going to bed to let sleep do the rest of the mending on my body.

Start # 3: Writer's Block Wednesday on Thursday

Thank you Tina for your return to Writer's Block Wednesday, I SO missed you last week!  And thank you for sharing your saucy poem.  I am always torn - do I write before I read your post, or after?  But I read the teaser and then I couldn't help myself.  Now I'm blocked for sure.  I have started and deleted several times over and I'm calling chicken on this one.  For now.

Start #1: Gifts 389...

389.  Andy calling me on my way to work, first day back after over a week off, and making me laugh.  As I walked out the door to leave for work I said to Andy, "I know we're cutting back on everything we can, but we have to spend more on our eggs.  I can't eat those cheap eggs anymore, the one I just made was disgusting and I can't even eat it."  I know it probably sounds dramatic, but it completely grosses me out to eat the cheap eggs when I am used to eating the eggs from free-range, natural grain-fed chickens.  When I think of the cheap eggs, I can't help but envision mistreated chickens pumped with hormones and antibiotics and trapped in tiny cages, so disturbing.

I left everything on the counter - butter, salt, pepper and spatula - thinking that Andy would probably make eggs after I left.  He called me about 1/2 hour into my drive and said, "Do you think maybe the reason why your egg was disgusting was because of the coffee, chocolate and sugar you put on it?" Well, maybe that would explain it!  We have a little bit of this combo in a grinder that is exactly the same size and color as our pepper grinder, and right next to it.  So, I'll give those eggs another try, and know again, this change is temporary.  But the laugh, even though at my expense, made for a great way to start the day!

390. Waking up first this morning and having a few quiet minutes alone that I spend in silence sitting on the living room floor with my eyes closed, focusing on my breath.

391. People doing really wonderful, life-changing things and sharing them with the world to inspire more of the same: 366 Random Acts of Kindness

392. Reminders from Louise Hay, "Do You Love Yourself?  Here are 12 Ways to Start", published 12/22/11 on her website, but on Facebook today:

I have found that there is only one thing that heals every problem, and that is: to love yourself. When people start to love themselves more each day, it’s amazing how their lives get better. They feel better. They get the jobs they want. They have the money they need. Their relationships either improve, or the negative ones dissolve and new ones begin.

Loving yourself is a wonderful adventure; it’s like learning to fly. Imagine if we all had the power to fly at will? How exciting it would be! Let’s begin to love ourselves now.

Here are 12 Commandments to help you learn how to love yourself:

Stop All Criticism.
Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

Forgive Yourself.
Let the past go. You did the best you could at the time with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that you had. Now you are growing and changing, and you will live life differently.

Don’t Scare Yourself.
Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It's a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure, and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.

Be Gentle and Kind and Patient.
Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved.

Be Kind to Your Mind.
Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change your thoughts.

Praise Yourself.
Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.

Support Yourself.
Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.

Be Loving to Your Negatives.
Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. So lovingly release the old negative patterns.

Take Care of Your Body.
Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need in order to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise do you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you live in.

Do Mirror Work.
Look into your eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself while looking into the mirror. Talk to your parents while looking into the mirror. Forgive them, too. At least once a day, say, "I love you, I really love you!"

Love Yourself . . . Do It Now.
Don't wait until you get well, or lose the weight, or get the new job, or find the new relationship. Begin now—and do the best you can.

Have Fun.
Remember the things that gave you joy as a child. Incorporate them into your life now. Find a way to have fun with everything you do. Let yourself express the joy of living. Smile. Laugh. Rejoice, and the Universe rejoices with you!

Louise L. Hay, the author of the international bestseller You Can Heal Your Life, is a metaphysical lecturer and teacher with more than 40 million books sold worldwide. For more than 25 years, she has helped people throughout the world discover and implement the full potential of their own creative powers for personal growth and self-healing. Visit: www.LouiseHay.com.

393. Taco salad for dinner.  Thank you Andy for making dinner!  I think I could eat taco salads every day!

394. Another issue of Real Simple waiting for me at work today - thank you Danielle!  I appreciate the recycled issues immensely!

395. Hearing from a coworker today about extreme couponing

396. Listening to my kids today - really listening to them as I sat in their rooms while they do what they so busily do, and not doing anything but being present with them.

397. Grateful that I now get to rest my body and mind. 

Start #1: Gifts 384...

384. So thankful and grateful to be who I am.

385. Taking a shower tonight on day three of not showering.  Wow, on that note, thankful for shampoo, conditioner, soap and a razor! 

386. The ability to reflect on my parenting skills for improvement.  I was thinking while I was in the shower (where I do a lot of my thinking as it's one of the few places that I can be alone) that I was really disappointed with myself over how I yelled at Lily this afternoon.  I realized, wait a minute, Andy and I don't yell at each other, so why would we yell at our kids?  Seems that it really won't increase the chances for results any more than sitting down and discussing something in a respectful manner.  Andy reminded me that what we got upset over today is something that we have had well over 25 calm discussions about.  True, point well taken, but I am very grateful for the perspective that I got today so that I will hopefully have more patience next time, or at least enough wits about me to breathe (there's that breathing again!) before I open my mouth.

387. Perspective again today.  We visited Baba today (happy birthday Baba!) at the cemetery and put a lovely bouquet of white roses and just blooming lavender on her and her husband's headstone.  Lily and I walked around and gave Andy a few minutes alone with his Grandma and Grandpa.  Lily picked up fallen Christmas decorations that were scattered at different grave sites as I walked along with her and silently read the engravings on headstones. 

When Andy caught up with us I asked, "Why do so many people have to die so young?"  Andy responded with, "Seventeen, geez, " and walked towards the car shaking his head. It wasn't until we stopped back at Baba's headstone that I started to cry.  I know death is an inevitable part of life, or afterlife if you will, but the reality of others we love dearly passing away seems too close for comfort while surrounded by headstones.

Andy got in the car and Lily and I sat on a curb in the sun facing a fountain.  Lily said, "Don't cry, Mom."  I looked at her and said, "I guess this just means we need to appreciate every moment we all have with each other."

388. Giving flowers to our neighbor's son to then give to his Dad (probably in his eighties) who usually walks by our house to get them himself.  I just found that the neighbor's Dad is in so much pain now that he hasn't been able to walk by.  I also earned today from the neighbor's grown son that his father (from India) uses the flowers (our white roses) in prayer, and then offers the flowers to the gods when he's done.  Knowing that I could give these flowers to him when he didn't have the ability to do so himself made me feel so good today.

Start #1: Gifts 371...

371. Going up to Prescott to ring in the new year in a change of scenery with family and friends.

372. S'mores in front of the campfire. Few things bring a smile to my face than warm golden-brown gooey marshmallows with graham crackers and chocolate and seeing all the girls enjoy them together.

373. The child-like glee of adults lighting fireworks.

374. Carrying on a childhood tradition of banging pots and pans on the front porch to ring in the new year, the girls loving that they were being encouraged to make as much noise as possible in the middle of the night.

375. Grateful to realize with finality that I just don't need or want an excessive amount of alcohol to feel good.

376. Having quiet time outside on the back porch this morning with Molly, my cup of hot tea, and the quail and crows serenading the sunrise. I first started to get overwhelmed in my own mind thinking about what I should be thinking about in these first few coherent moments of New Year's day - resolutions, what needs to be fixed or improved - and then realized how pressured I was making myself feel, so went back to basics; my steady breath, in, out.

377. My late afternoon walk with the girls - ages 3, 6, 6, 8 and 9 - smiling as I walked behind them at the way they were connected hand-in-hand taking up almost all of the narrow street.

378. Lots of hugs, smiles and snuggles with Emmy today, holding on to every breath against my cheek knowing that moments like that are too precious to take for granted.

379. Time together tonight, just our Kuntz family: Rose, Dave, Donny, Mindy and the girls. It is rare for us to be together without outside distractions, so when the exclusive time does happen, I cherish that. We've come so far to be able to say that and feel that in our hearts.

380. Being able to have giddy laughs with Ginger tonight on the phone. I love you Ginger!

381. Catching the fever of the iPhone and face time vicariously through Mindy. All in good time.

382. An unexpected extra night up north tonight.

383. The promise of a new year as it sits so vulnerably and beautifully before me.