Realizations and Gifts

Today is really more like realizations, and a few gifts to top them off like whipped cream with a cherry on top (or for my taste, more like cinnamon or dark chocolate shavings:)

#1  After a crazy hectic day in a series of many, the kind that make me not sleep at night because I'm so revved, even too riled up for meditation to calm me down, I thought I would make the most of my time by studying during Lily's Brownie meeting.  I thought to myself, Wow, I can have 1 - 1 1/2 hours of solid study time!

I brought Lily in to the meeting, sat for a few minutes, and then couldn't stand the feeling of myself being idle for more much more than that knowing all that's on my plate.  I snuck out into the front entry where there was a lone chair under an overhead can light providing just enough light (and dark) for me to cozy down and open my first study book. 

Within minutes, a Boyscout troop leader arrived and unlocked every door along the entry that I was in front of.  For the next 45 minutes, boyscouts, siblings, parents and grandparents arrived, ran, jumped, screamed, laughed, exited and entered few times more all the while growing louder and louder.  Studying became very difficult.

Then Lily's troop took a break and Lily came out for me to come back to the meeting so I could decide what size t-shirt to order for her.  Medium it is.  I walked back out and did some more reading, but felt just as chaotic in my mind as before I arrived.  I packed up and went to Lily's meeting 10 minutes early.

In those ten minutes, I witnessed all that I missed out on with my dear sweet daughter.  A precious hour and a half to learn more about her thoughts, beliefs, and hopes as she worked on a letter to herself for the two-year time capsule.  I saw the heartfelt thank you card that the other moms and the girls made for the older Brownie troop that visited at the last meeting.  I saw the troop leader and the other moms engaged with the girls.  In those ten minutes I realized that I really lost sight of what is important to me, and told Lily on the way home that I won't be studying at any more meetings.

The time is too precious, and thankfully, this lesson - in this context - only took an hour and a half to learn.  I am grateful for this, and that there is another meeting in two weeks that I will be able to be fully present at with my dear sweet Lily.

#2  Also on the sunset of this crazy day that's in the middle of like days before and surely after, the clock ticked to 8:45pm and I still had a potluck dish to prepare for tomorrow.  I started the task with squeezing lemons for 3/4 cup of lemon juice to then cook in the bulgur.  By the time I got to chopping the cucumbers, which I peeled and seeded first, I realized that the moment brought me such calm! 

The house was (and still is) quiet except for the sound of the Ray LaMontagne channel on Pandora.  My mind finally quieted, and I even figured out a better way to clean up my cukes - and excited to share that progress with Andy who has, since the start of our 16 year courtship, been trying to get me to prep efficiently and appropriately:)  And then came the colors and scents - a bowl full of cucumber, tomato, parsley, basil, feta, kalamata olives, olive oil, lemon juice.  Ahhhhh!  Such a nice way to wind down from the day, and for this experience this evening I am thankful.

Recipe for Greek Bulgur Salad with Chicken

Gifts
Andy walking up to me at this very computer just as I started to lean in and give me a kiss - and feeling my shoulders relax for the first time today as a result, as well as a genuine smile on my face at the touch and his smile mirroring mine.

A pretty praying mantis that Lily and I got to see on our way out of Brownies tonight.

Safety at work on a potentially  unsafe day.

Making it through another day.

Avoiding a car accident this morning.

A surprise package delivery from who I thought was Mom, but was really Dad (a.k.a. Bumpa) filled with handmade hair clips and headbands from my very talented cousin, creator of Little Gem and Hair Delights.

A friend's baby apple:)

Talking with my dad this morning and hearing him talk of future plans and hope.  So invigorating and exciting!

Gifts

My oh my, the time sure does pass by so quickly.  I've been making mental note throughout the days when something grabs my heart just so, or at the end of the night in the shower as I recap in my mind, but there seems to be a different impact for me when I write it down here.

A few from today before I go to sleep:

A smooth morning where we actually sat down to eat both breakfast and dinner together!  Unheard of!  We most always sit for dinner together, but never breakfast on a school day.

Making use of all the broccoli: dinner one night last week, egg and broccoli burritos with cheese and salsa on the weekend, and eggs and broccoli for breakfast.  Feels so good to not waste what we spend our grocery money on.

Seeing Emmy's face as I tell her how proud I am of her for drawing her first letter F tonight, as well as practicing Daddy, Mommy and Lily for the first time; a look of such pride, happiness and shine.

Andy standing in the door frame to the bathroom looking at me in the mirror while I brushed Emmy's teeth and noticing that I was wearing the very earrings that I wore when we got married.  It's the little things that mean so much.

Taking the time last night to work at home and get all my tasks in order.  Taking the extra time last night to project as much as I can, list, date, prioritize, etc..., made me feel so much more calm and collected at work today.

Ironing on everything that is required for Lily's Brownie vest for her meeting tomorrow and vowing to myself to not get behind like I did with her Daisy vest - badges still in a ziploc that have yet to be ironed on or sewn.

A friend's text about her vision that made my heart feel full and light.

Tackling the assessment test and study guide for the upcoming PHR certification.  I have managed to successfully procrastinate as I am known to do, so hopefully there is still enough time for me to study before the test date - unknown at this time.  But, proud of myself for finally breaking the cycle and facing it twice in the course of a week.  Now it's on to reading and practice tests.  Commit - note to self:)

Gifts

At this moment, I am grateful for quiet in these last moments of the night winding down in a peaceful house.

Gifts of health for some, and of competent doctors and medicine for others - for timely intervention that will lead to better health.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm grateful for a surprise delivery of a very large box of See's Candy from one of our vendors just for us in HR.  Dark chocolate and caramel have definitely been good to me this week, but probably not so good for my body.  Everything in moderation:)

Grateful that our family is working at being real.  That we're able to talk with each other about the difficult things when we once were not able is something to be celebrated and our efforts continued.

Phone chats with Grandma Jean.  She always puts things in perspective as she reminds me how fast the kids grow up and to cherish every moment.  Thank you, Grandma.

Bach Flower Rescue Remedies - works wonders for Lily, so very grateful to have a natural product that she likes that supports her ability to handle her body's responses to sensory stimuli.

Laying in bed at the end of the night talking with Andy before we fall asleep.

A tired dog exhausted from a good run at the park.

Sitting on the curb with Emmy tonight looking through the mail while we watched the last few minutes of the sunset, smiling at Emmy as she waved and smiled at each passing car.

Seeing our dwindling car loan balance on the payment receipt in the mail - we're so close!

Andy's intact retina, very grateful for this.

Wedding Memories

Wow, it's amazing what looking through a box of wedding memories does for building a grateful heart.  It started yesterday with the girls as I opened the vault (that's what it felt like!) for the first time in 10 years.  I was looking for a recording of Andy's Grandpa "Toe" reciting the Lord's Prayer so Andy's cousin can use it at his upcoming wedding.  As I took things out of the box, the girls dissected them one by one.

First was a Lenox box that contains what was our cake topper - a beautiful ceramic figurine of a bride and groom under an arch.  Lily asked, "Mom, what is this for?"  I told her it was a cake topper.  She burst into laughter and said, "Oh, I thought it for the top of your Christmas tree!" We both chuckled together, and then she asked "Mom, were you the bride or the groom?"

I looked at all the pictures and messages from our engagement party in Phoenix, and pictures and messages from our bridal shower "in absentia" from Wisconsin.  It was so touching to see people so excited for us to be on the brink of writing the next chapter in our life.

Next was a wedding candle wrapped in tulle.  Lily unwrapped it, put the tulle on her head and said, "And was this your veil?" 

"No," I answered, "but I do have the veil in the closet."  While I went to unearth the dress and veil, I heard Emmy and Lily talking.  Emmy was looking at wedding pictures and asked Lily, "Was Mom in a wedding?!"  Lily said yes, and then I heard Emmy say, "Ewww, Mom and Dad are kissing!"

Lily said, "That's kind of the point of a wedding, Emmy."  I was laughing by myself in the closet.  But not for long.  Before I knew it, the girls had coaxed me to put the dress on that I haven't been in for ten years (and that I'm so grateful still fits and zips!), and Lily ran to get the ghastly fake pink flowers we have in the hall (that believe it or not, actually work quite nicely in a pretty pale turquoise blown glass vase - that was a wedding gift come to think of it - atop an antique style set of dressers) and said, "Here are your flowers Mom!"  Then Emmy, who has never been in or seen a wedding before in her life scooped up the little train behind me like an expert and off we went parading through the living room.  I'm fairly certain I had a smile from ear to ear.

Tonight I spent a little time scouting through the memories on my own and looking at pictures.  What took me by surprise was reading the messages in our guest book - a little piece of the details of a wedding that you're not sure are really that important at the time, but ten years later to see handwritten messages from important people in our lives who loved and cared about us so much made me very emotional.  Some of the people are still in our lives, some were left behind soon after that summer, others relatives - always connected regardless of distance in miles or bond, and still others have since passed away.  Ten years - seems like a blink of an eye, yet a lifetime ago when I think of the people we were then compared to the people we are now. 

As I turned page after page of handmade paper filled with handwritten messages as different as the personalities of those in our lives at the time, I was filled with this sense of gratitude that I don't quite think I had or was capable of then for their deep love and care for us as who they knew us to be, and a good portion of them thrilled for us to share what they knew marriage to be for them.  I am thankful that we have lots of good examples in our life of love, compassion and respect for one another.  In this moment tonight, I wanted to sit right down and write thank you notes to all those who were present in our lives and shared the feelings that were in their hearts for us both that day, and also in the period of engagement leading up to our wedding.

It will take me awhile - no telling how long, but I resolve to do that now - 10 years into this thing called marriage, for they helped us be who we are today and in some way or another have played a part in shaping what we've made of our relationship together.  So, add this to the list of starts:)  In the meantime, if any of you happen to see this, know that we love you very much, and are so grateful for your presence in our lives no matter how fleeting, for there was/is a reason for each and every one of you.

Gifts

Starting my day today with yoga, if only for 20 minutes, and even when it ends with Emmy on top of me.  Yes, another start I want not to finish, but to continue.

Watching Lily learn something new at gymnastics today.

Chai tea.

The injury requiring stitches at the birthday party we went to today was not one of my children.

Taking 45 minutes before movie night with the girls to put the house back together and do the dishes.  This means watching in peace, comfort, and zero distraction from the mess around me calling my name.

The smiles on my girls' faces.

Feeling complete fulfillment while watching We Bought a Zoo with the girls piled on top of me on the couch tonight, just the three of us - such a big, all-consuming fullness of the heart that is both foreign and so very comfortable.  How lucky am I to have my husband, our two daughters, that we all have each other together, nearly every day, to create and live adventure - 20 seconds of courage is all it takes;)

Not that Andy is in Las Vegas, but that he is safe, and that all the guys get to have "bonding" time together for a bachelor party. 

The bed all to myself, probably because I know this is momentary.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Tonight I am ever so grateful for a beautiful family night together where we all enjoyed each other amidst the normal goings on of an evening...dinner, dishes, lunches, homework, Just Dance 3, bath and bed.

What made tonight different is that we ALL conversed together instead of yelling, fighting, and the egging on that often takes place between the girls, which then spurs not so great parental reactions and overall frustration for all.  Even poor Molly who hides under the bed when that happens.

We all snuck in little moments with each other in various combinations at different points of the evening.  It started with me folding the laundry next to the girls doing Just Dance, then all of us chatting at dinner, then Lily and Andy starting to watch the Democratic National Convention while Emmy and I made a little after dinner treat, then Andy and I in the kitchen together while I cleaned and he made lunches, then Emmy in my lap while I quizzed Lily on her spelling words for her test tomorrow, then Lily and I watching Obama together and talking about voting, then Andy, Emmy and I watching the Convention and answering Emmy's questions, "What does learning mean?" "What does education mean?"  And then ending with Andy and I watching while Lily and Emmy drew pictures.

The pictures were such a tender moment.  Emmy was at the desk for a bit drawing while Lily, Andy and I were watching the Convention, and then came running to Lily to give her a picture that she just drew.  She said it was Lily, handed it to her, and then just lowered her head into Lily's chest, put her arms around her in a hug, and then ran back to the desk to cut some paper.  Lily showed me the drawing and I just melted - both at seeing Emmy's first drawing of a person (Lily's face), and the love that passed between the two of them in the exchange.  The pic is below that Lily wrote Emmy's name on (and Lily was wearing accessory glasses tonight as depicted below) next to a face that Lily drew with Emmy.

 



I am also thankful for a successful import of new deduction data that I generated for over 700 employees at work today - my first run by myself and I added new data to track.  Woo Hoo!  Technology rocks when you know how to use it:)  That's for you Andy.  Yes, I really said that;)

 

And ever so grateful that a dear, close friend asked me to do Reiki for her.  So off I go to help in her healing.  What a beautiful way to end a beautiful night.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Today, I think that I am most grateful that I had yet another difficult day of living in my head, in a negative way.  Sure, it seems paradoxical that negative would be a positive, but it takes experiencing the self-defeating thoughts and too much energy on the imagined thoughts and perceived actions of others to remind myself of its prior absence when I instead put that energy into making myself strong enough to love myself. 

To love myself is to do the things I know that are healthy for me - such as eat well, exercise, meditate, read and believe affirmations, give thanks, be present, create/maintain/follow our budget, listen to music, sing, dance, go to bed on time, write, and give/receive love to both myself and with those around me.

I just remembered something I read that an acquaintance shared yesterday: If you're tired of starting over, then don't stop.  Hmmmm, seems scarily appropriate.  And that's what my blog is all about - starting now to finish, or in this case, to continue - hopefully to reap a lifetime of its benefits and to pass on to my daughters something of value that they too can learn for themselves what it means to love their own unique being and how they express that in the world.

Hopefully, Lily's off to a good start.  As we laid in bed tucked under the covers together on Monday morning relishing in the slowness of a free day off, she said, "Watch Mom, I'm going to send myself a message."  She typed for a few minutes on her iPod while I read my book, then said, "Look what I sent - 'I love you so so so so so so much!!!' "  I smiled and said, "That's so wonderful Lily!  That's so very important that you love yourself!  I'm so proud of you!"

Also thankful today for:
A great first billing cycle after open enrollment at work - a huge improvement over last year.

Settling into a routine after school for the two days a week I get to pick Lily up from school: snacks together, me doing my work that I brought home, and Lily doing her homework, all in a peaceful house - just the two of us.

A snack of graham crackers spread with Nutella and topped with banana slices.

A dear friend who is one of few who chooses to communicate mostly via snail mail.  In the mailbox waiting for us: a card for Lily, a calendar for Emmy, a New Nest card announcing her new Sedona address, a box of old but new belts, a cherry/olive pitter that looks like a bird's beak, and an article for Andy on a chef in Chicago who I didn't know tops his list of favorite, most admired chefs.

An evening walk with Molly.

A  phone call with Dad where I really got to listen to him - his thoughts, fears, plans, accomplishments, and learning.  I loved every second of his voice talking with me.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Thankful:

That I could bring some comfort to Lily tonight through push-pulls and Reiki, relief to her bug-bitten feet and tense body.

For coming across a recipe just today for Brussels sprouts when I happened to have some in the refrigerator a day or two away from going bad.  Saute in grapeseed oil, roast in the oven, then saute just long enough for a little butter to melt and toss with sea salt and pepper.  Andy and devoured the whole dish full of them!

To the girls for trying the Brussels sprouts, even though they decided they didn't like them.

For a hard day today of inner battle to make me realize I had abandoned that for awhile and would really like to leave it in the dust again soon  - NOW.

For a free eyeglass deal on Facebook at www.Coastal.com.

For hearing my niece say, "When am I going to come over to your house Auntie Karen, because I haven't been over in a really long time.  Remember those glitter things you were making?  You do lots of craft projects and I don't do any.  Well, I do make those purses from duct tape."  We will have to plan a craft date soon:)

For Frugal Mama - Simple Life, Happy Family.  I think I'm addicted, but so far, it seems like a healthy addiction that is bringing me comfort in positive, real thoughts from a fellow mom, and some great tools, downloads, and what's worked for her family that really seem to align with ours, or what we hope for ours to be:)

For a conversation Andy and I had over dinner to simplify the girls lunches - make them like a Pita Jungle kids menu.  Have a list of five each of proteins, carbs, fruits and veggies that we've bought for the week, and they get to circle one of each of these categories for that day's lunch.  And make it fun on chalkboard paint on the wall or chalkboard squares.

A beautiful, moving speech from First Lady Michelle Obama that will hopefully move the campaign and election in the right direction.

Homemade lunch of quinoa with sauteed onions, zucchini, and yellow squash, grilled chicken, and feta cheese.

A phone call with Mom on my way to work.  She is always able to make me laugh and to feel loved.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Thoughts of thanks from the week:

• A dear friend's babe in utero, growing from the size of a kumquat to a sweet little fig in just a week!
• Spice Traveler in Prescott, AZ - a delicious store of epicurean adventure for the taste buds.  We walked out with Ghost Chili salt and Coconut infused sugar, with the delightfulness of Raspberry still on my tongue.
• The sound of an afternoon rain splattering on leaves, rooftops, and on pavement.
• Lightning and a crack of thunder so big and close my body reacted with chills all way up my neck, goosebumps down my arms, and my eyes filled with tears.
• Long-time, comfortable friends from out of town at our home for a sleepover, and their sweet little boy named Jack who stole my heart.
• Homemade guacamole.  I think I could live off this and Mexican food every day for the rest of my life.
• Dashing for cover from the rain with Emmy, her little Hello Kitty umbrella in hand, up the courthouse steps in a downtown Prescott summer storm.
• Gordon, the most gentle Boxer that we got to meet at a fun, dog and food-filled outside festival.  I held my hand out for him to sniff, and the way he so tenderly rested his chin on my outstretched hand was endearing.
• Waking up from a nightmare and realizing it's not reality.
• Friends finding each other, deep love, and a new chapter to write together in their first new home.
• Bonding time with family member's pups Roxy and Toby, and seeing again how much joy and new-found unity they have brought to their owner's family.
• Fresh vegetables.
• Hugs.
• 3-day weekends!
• The language and ease between toddlers:
• New girl close to Emmy's age running across the grassy city park to Emmy, "Hey, do you want to be my best friend?"
• Emmy to new girl who we soon found out to be named Cassy, "Well, do you want to play tag if we're going to be best friends?"
• Me to Cassy, "Where are your Mommy and Daddy?"
• Cassy shoots all the way over across the grass away from us and back again.
• Cassy to Emmy, "Do you want to play tag?"  And off they run in circles, stopping only to hide behind the tall, wide trunks of trees scattered across the park.
• Precious moments being present with the girls.  These moments happen so much more frequently when we're away from home and our daily responsibilities.  We all so needed the love and recharge through reconnection from these shared moments this weekend.
• And in contrast, a productive afternoon = a mowed back yard, some planted pots, a clean dog, a cleaned up front yard, menu for the week, and a refrigerator full of groceries.
• My grandpa Jack's expression, passed down through my mom, "Close calls don't count."  This in response to Andy's bleeding, cut finger tonight over lunch prep.  Whew.
• Some of the best parenting advice I've received from a parent I admire.  Instead of saying "No" when your child comes to you for something, respond with, "Let's research that."  She shared this with me probably over six months ago, but I used it for the first time last weekend when Lily told me that she really wanted a pet snake and my gut reaction was not only no, but never in a million years.  Instead, I calmly said, "Wow, that's interesting.  Let's research that."  And so we have been ever since: time spent together learning about snakes (and in the process, learning about researching on the Internet) and what kind would be a good fit to start with - at this point in time, it's a Rough Green Snake, a book from the school library about snakes, a visit to Petsmart in Prescott to check out the snakes and other reptiles, discovering that there is a Reptile Expo here in November that we'll be saving our questions for, and Lily's first poem that she wrote tonight at the dinner table for her future snake (even though we haven't said yes - or no - just yet:)

My snake is...
green and it is smooth
and it loves loves to groove

Friday, August 24, 2012

Today, I am filled with gratitude for:

• A day of peace and quiet at work.
• Discovering a new (to me) blog that really caught my fancy: www.npr.org/thesalt
• Listening to new music at work on NPR, making the day a little more exciting and fresh.
• Email exchanges from my dad filled with the promise of surprise.
• Catching myself daydreaming about our night before and getting butterflies. I love that this still happens after 10 years of marriage.
• Hearing my sister-in-law so excited about getting two new puppies, brother and sister, after school today for their daughter/our niece.
• Catching up with Phil. Completely astonished that I've talked with both brothers in the same week.  I feel more connected to them both this week than I have felt in years.
• Our own family after-school adventure for our first twilight tour at the Deer Valley Rock Art Center.  What a gem of a place and we can't wait to go back.  It was a very interactive tour, and visiting this hidden spot smack in the middle of sunset and moonlight was special. I think we will try November for their Native American festival and another in March where we will get to try roasted agave!
• Lily thanking us on the way home for taking us to do things like that and for being the best parents ever.  Score!
• Hearing Lily excitedly share her story of how she did Reiki for all her friends at school today who got hurt and how they all felt better after. "But mom, I do mine a little different than you do," she said as she demonstrated with her hands and arms from the backseat.  "And Harlee said, 'The Kuntz's have magic in their fingers!' "  So touching!  No pun intended, but pretty appropriate.
• Meeting the two new puppies, Toby & Roxy.  Welcome to the family!  We are so excited to get to know you better and for Molly to have some new friends!
• Putting Emmy down for sleep and having a few minutes to break into my new Yoga Journal issue.  Found another 21-day challenge, new music, delicious smoothie recipes and more.  I love these bite-size challenges that give a great introduction to things new, fun and healthy - gearing up for September 9th Fitness Challenge!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I am in awe that for two nights in a row, I have done everything that I need to do and it's before 9pm.  A huge improvement over too many nights prior of getting 4 - 5 hours of rest and nearly doubling that last night and tonight!  I can tell that both my brain and my body are thankful for rest.

Tonight I am also grateful for:

• Rain impossibly born of dust clouds tonight and its lovely companions lightning and thunder.  How nice to hear the pounding of rain on the pavement, the rush of water in the street outside, and the rumble in surround sound as I type.
• Craigslist!  We have saved so much money making purchases on Craigslist.  So excited to be able to help Lily get going on her big girl two wheeler that we scored for $45 this weekend!
• Calming Jars - both the concept and how much fun the girls and I had making them Sunday night.  I initially thought it would be a good outlet for Lily when she has a sensory overload moment to "get her mads out," just shake the heck out of it and watch the glitter fall, much like a snow globe.  But after reading the post again on Sunday, months after I had originally pinned the idea, I thought it might be great for Emmy too.  The girls love their jars, but we have yet to try them in the thick of things.
• Arizona monsoon clouds that have decorated the sky the past couple of weeks giving me pure, soothing art to look at every day while traveling in the car.  Although this is the hottest time of year, it is one of the most beautiful with wide expanses of multi-colored sky in shades of gray, purple, blue, orange, gold, pink, and some of the purest white billowy skyscrapers of storm clouds stacked upon each other and towering up from behind mountains.
• Meeting a new friend and discussing over lunch our experiences from the perspective of mothers what it is like raising our daughters who both have sensory processing disorder.  I'm so excited to get the girls together and to get to know each other's family!
• Reconnecting with my favorite sensory processing book called, Raising a Sensory Smart Child, and realizing that they have a Facebook page with so much useful information, posts, discussions, and more that I am so excited to spend more time on.
• Rearranging my workstation today and feeling so much more productive with lots more workable space than I had before and much more ergonomically comfortable. 
• Talking with my brother tonight about progress, reality, fears, and love.  So wonderful to hear his voice and hear him for the first time, Jake in the raw.
• Tincture from Chakra4 Herb and Tea House called "Take a Chill Pill" that I really got for Lily that supports nervous system function, but that I used last night.  That along with another Chopra meditation finally helped my shoulders relax after a couple weeks of increasing rigidity. 

Catching My Breath

Breathe deeply in, fill my lungs, expand my belly, relax my shoulders, and exhale.  Catching my breath from a couple crazed weeks.

Ahhhhh.

This is pure joy to be here right now, at the page, in review. 

• Sunset on my way home one night this week.
• Finishing something that I've started several times over: The newest of Deepak Chopra's 21-Day Meditation Challenges, Free to Love.  Although it took me 29 days to experience 21, I feel so grateful that I kept returning to the challenge even though I got derailed multiple times.  It was such a peaceful, nurturing gift to give myself and I definitely have noticed benefits.  For probably the first time in my life, having this conversation with myself when the thoughts of self doubt and outer criticism invade:  But do YOU love YOU, Karen?  Yes!  I answered, Yes!  And that's what's most important; starting within.
• A week long visit from a very dear friend.  To be there for a friend by phone is a completely different experience than being there while sharing the same living quarters.  I learned so much about us both, our friendship, and my own family in sharing the week with her and am grateful for every minute. 
• Visiting a farm in Chino Valley, AZ and getting acquainted one-on-one with three miniature horses, two full size horses, two donkeys (Butterfly & Larry), three of the largest goats I've ever seen in my life, three alpaca that I've never before seen in my life, chickens, geese, an awfully mean rooster, a Flemish hare, and six dogs. 
• A successful week of open enrollment, our busiest time of the year at work.  Still multiple weeks to go to carry out the rest of the event, but I feel very positive in the great flow and response we've received thus far.
• Lily LOVES her 2nd grade teacher!
• Being able to attend our lunch n' learn this week, "Being healthy in an unhealthy world" and following it up with choosing to buy only organic milk from here on out for our girls.  This is something that we've always felt we couldn't afford, but after learning more about what's added to our food (so much of our food), we decided this is something that we longer can afford not to do.  I feel so much healthier just having it in the refrigerator!
• For our second Saturday in a row, getting back to Bountiful Baskets!  For $15, we picked up our box filled with romaine, kale, carrots, tomatoes, onion, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, pears, apples, bananas and grapes.  It all just looks so fresh and vibrant! 
• Attending a square foot gardening class and realizing how little I know about gardening. This is something I've been wanting to do for quite some time, but for now feeling at peace with maybe starting a few things in some pots and calling it a day.  This will definitely get shifted to the back of the list of future starts;)
• Recognizing that I have limits and making better choices about my precious resources.
• Finishing online traffic school this weekend to clear up my ticket.  Go Speed Racer!  Ironically, I am now a Speed Racer expert thanks to my Easy Fast Cheap Online Traffic School! 
• Emmy and I sharing the best fresh mango of our lives (last week's Bountiful Basket) at the dining room table yesterday afternoon; one purple glass bowl filled with beautiful yellow/orange mango, two forks, and lots of laughing as we tried to beat each other to the last piece.
• Laughter with friends.
• Deeper emotions shared between two friends.
• Andy and I doing one of the things we do best together: pitching in as a team to get the job done, no matter how down and dirty it is.
• Accepting family for who they are.  I have realized this week that we are akin to an ocean.  The waters can range from calm to tumultuous, but recognizing that this is the way it has always been and probably how it always will be helps me see the deep down love for and beauty in each other, even though superficially it waxes and wanes with the rise and fall of emotions and experiences, both shared and as individuals.
• This link shared by a dear aunt: Thirty Indispensable Writing Advice from Famous Authors
• Bedtime.

Finding Comfort in Gratitude

Sunday, August 5, 2012

It's the end of the night at the end of a very difficult week, an eve and a sunrise before starting yet another difficult week.  Difficult is, of course, relative; but for us, this week was right up there on the charts.

I was making lunches for tomorrow in the quiet of the kitchen tonight, the place one is most likely able to think when it's bath/shower time for the girls at the other end of the house.  Having just zested a whole lemon, I sliced it in half and put half on top of the hand-juicer.  I then placed my open palm onto the lemon half and pushed down onto the juicer  in small circular motions to squeeze out all that lemon had to offer.  All of a sudden, I noticed how lovely my hand felt moving over each of the grooves I made in the lemon with the zester.  It was also the multisensory experience of it all: fresh lemon wafting up in my nostrils, the new sensation in the palm of my hand, and the much needed few moments of quiet in my mind, even though the house was anything but.

Ahhhh!  Something to be so very grateful for in that very moment.  The beautiful simplicity of it all, and that I was able to get out of my head into that precise moment of real time: being present, as many would call it.

Now as I'm typing, I'm thinking that the 21-day meditation challenge I've been participating in is really working, possibly subconsciously sinking in!  This is very exciting!  I could sense by today and the two and three weeks leading up to today that I haven't been ready to relinquish myself to now.  For some reason, I've chosen to make myself suffer, moreso than I would have otherwise given the events of the week alone.

Anyway, that was a side note for myself.  Back to my lemon.  As I indulged myself in that experience for a minute or two, it made me want to immediately get back to gratitude - to be thankful for this moment that moved my soul back in my heart instead of in my head where it's been swimming around, or floundering rather, for much too long.

So here I am, back to the page, to my religion of giving thanks.  Period.  No more counting though, I think just reflecting, writing, feeling, and believing in my thanks will be most meaningful this time around:

• That my parents take the time to enjoy each other's company through bike rides, sharing meals, lake swimming, art festival walking, games, live music and so much more.  Grateful for the example they set after nearly 39 years of marriage.
• Their patience on the phone this morning as I walked them through all 300+ slides of our vacation photos because I wanted them so much to be enjoying it right there with us while we were away.
• A splash of coffee in a mug of warmed vanilla almond milk sprinkled with cinnamon.
• One-on-one time with each of my girls today.
• Lily's desire to add to her small rock collection.  Definitely something we can share and take great joy in doing together.
• The deep, full, relaxed breaths this experience of gratitude is giving back to me right now.
• A sunset hike together - our family of four, and Molly too.
• Taking in the beautiful 360 degree sunset sky and desert views that our neighborhood affords us the pleasure of.  I needed that fix of nature today more than I could have ever known.
• Tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, even on a 110 degree day.
• Ending my night with gratitude and day 16 of the 21-day meditation challenge.

Gifts

1056. Out of struggle and difficulty this morning with a sensory meltdown and the clock ticking, framing the challenge and emotion in a different way.  What is the gift I am supposed to get from this?  What can possibly be gained from such struggle and ugliness?  We made it through, I dropped Lily off at school and thought and thought as I drove in quiet.  And the answer came to me. 

With each one of these experiences, we learn something new - an insight to help us prevent, soothe, or recover in the future.  With this one, I remembered that we forgot to have the outlet for the frustration before trying to move on.  A simple concept looking at it completely removed now, but in the moment, this completely escaped all of us and the release did not happen until Lily and I were driving down the road.

1057. Watching this short clip the night before on Facebook courtesy of Louise Hay: Cheryl Richardson TV, You're So Sensitive, The Art of Extreme Self Care.  This we are, a sensitive family.  I thought of this clip this morning, which is what helped me choose to drive in silence and reflect instead of numbing/tuning out the sensitivities of this morning.

1058. A surprise package of fun toys and treats from Aunt Joan and family, and my cherished phone time with her this afternoon to catch up.

1059. Andy and I in the kitchen together busting out the dishes, lunches and snacks for the next day and venting our frustrations in a humorous way to lighten the load.

Gifts

1048. Incredible customer service that makes professional relationships so valuable and meaningful to so many; the ripple effect in action.

1049. Getting a last minute appointment at the chiropractor and receiving recommendations for more information on healthy living: The Doctor Within

1050. Sprouts' product selection in bulk bins and supplements. 

1051. Traditional Medicinals Organic Echinacea Tea and Oil of Oregano to boost my immune system.

1052. Being calm, present, and validating this evening even in the face of homework drama.

1053. Francesca's Collections - Love this store for gifts and more, such as the perfect little mother's day trinket.  Hope she likes it:)

1054. My fourth night in a row of in bed at 10:00pm (on my way now)!  This is a huge accomplishment for me, a chronic late to bed and too early to rise gal.

1055. A Taste of Milk and Honey's blog post on Pursuing Dreams that ended with this picture below, and a dare of "who's with me?!".  Sure is some heavy food for thought for nearly 10:00, but if not now, then when?  Thank you Tina for your unending inspiration, courage, and drive!

Gifts

1040. Making myself step outside for a night walk.  That first step out from under the patio overhang when I feel the breeze on my skin and hear it through the leaves on our tree out front makes me inhale so deeply, exhale, relax my shoulders, and smile in gratitude to myself for doing making the choice to exercise, and to nature for being around me to experience it.

1041. Reading Nora Rose's update and being reminded of how beautiful life is and how much we can learn from each other.

1042. All of us crowded into Emmy's room after baths and showers to talk and wind down for the night.

1043. Getting to hug two special friends tonight who make me smile so big.

1044. Following through with my annual well-woman exam today.  Although an awkward experience that women go through, getting to see the doctor who so gently and calmly helped bring both of our girls into this world and our lives is always such a joy for me.  And, I got a good recommendation of a book for our upcoming trip:)

1045. Getting the update today that our Southwest Human Development/Easter Seals Walk With Me event over the weekend exceeded our fundraising goal for the year to help children with disabilities and their families!

1046. Back to my favorite healthy start to the day.  Breakfast smoothie with kale, spinach, avocado, blueberries, strawberries, banana, apple cider vinegar, ice and water - and, Andy s ending me a video clip this morning of Emmy sucking the last of it down with a straw on her way to school this morning!

1047. A picture message from my sister-in-law today, what she called a happy mother's day early, of Lily, our niece, and our friends' girls (not in that order) at school this morning.  Seeing their smiling faces made me smile!

Never, Ever Give Up. Arthur's Inspirational Transformation!

1034. One of the most amazing gifts of today that I think will last a lifetime was this short clip - an incredible story about NEVER, EVER GIVING UP.  Thank you Arthur for sharing your story!

1035. Finally getting to catch up with Victor Encinas, Financial & Vocational Coach to recap our work with him towards financial peace and venturing out on our own.  We are grateful to Victor for teaching us about money and how to gain control of where it goes.  We have a long way to go, but would never have known the path or taken our first steps without Victor.

1036. Roasted pistachios, tasty and crunchy.

1037. Good Earth Lemongrass Green Tea, a light refreshing surprise.

1038. Andy's stamina to get through this difficult, extraordinarily busy week and weekend to come.  Thank you for working so hard to help our family become debt free!

1039. The super moon reflecting off every curve of the block glass window wall in our bathroom tonight.

Gifts

1024. While dreaming up a name for Lily's new white seal pup stuffed animal that her teacher gave her today, we explored aurora borealis online as a potential name and found this really amazing time lapse video (above) from space of aurora borealis.

1025. So grateful that my body made it through today after two nights of not nearly enough sleep and feeling the effects big time.

1026. Peeling and chopping green apples, sweet potatoes and onion for beautiful, creamy, fresh soup tonight.

1027. Ham and cheese quesadillas for the girls that I couldn't resist.

1028. The kid table all decked out for a tea party with name cards and all, courtesy of Lily, and Lily waiting anxiously at the front window for her sister to come home from school and join in the fun.


1029. Two days in a row after school with my Lily.

1030. Finding two all natural face products today with Try Me Free rebate coupons attached!

1031. Seeing our sweet neighbor's belly that dropped today, one day closer to delivery of a new life!

1032. Giving my body the extra rest that it needs tonight. If all goes as planned, I will be in bed at a record early time - 9:30pm! So looking forward to it!

1033. Andy already in bed doing the same thing after his crazy week and even crazier weekend with an upcoming catering.

Gifts

1013. Smoothies for breakfast in the morning, three days in a row. 

1014. A morning chit chat with my dear mom, finally hearing her voice after two weeks of phone tag.

1015. Bonding time with puppy Olive today and noticing the similarities between puppies and toddlers.

1016. Sitting out on the patio with Lily, sharing time face to face to listen to her thoughts, and also sharing Trader Joe's Jalapeno Cheese Puffs and a Cherry Vanilla Hanson's (not that those two go together, by any means!).

1017. Making a new dinner, hearing Lily tell me, "Mom, this is the best dinner you've ever made,"  and finally catching on that she says this because she sometimes means it, but more because she knows how good it makes me feel.

1018. One of the neighbor kids making a crown for Emmy tonight out of the most gorgeous vine in their backyard and delivering it over our backyard wall. 

1019. A walk to and from the park with the girls after dinner in that most perfect moment of sunset when the earth seems to be enveloped in a warm, comfortable, safe glow.

1020. More phone time with Grammy and the girls after bath, laughing over Emmy's pronunciation of Chip ANN Zee.

1021. Making silly faces for our photographer Emmy tonight moments before bed.



1022. Hearing Emmy tell me tonight as I crawled in bed next to her to snuggle that only I do this, Daddy does not.  I love that we each have our very own rituals with or girls, the kind that fill everyone's hearts.

1023. Loading pictures on Kodak tonight for Grammy like I said I would and knowing how very happy it will make her tomorrow:)

The Gifts Begin Again

Returning tonight to acknowledging the gifts in my days makes me so happy (and an audible exhale making room to soak it all right back in).

1002. Almond milk and Kroger brand Chocolate Toasted Oats.

1003. Running 1.2 miles tonight and not being winded when I stopped.

1004. A moment shared with Lily like none other.  I learned that in my silence, respecting her silence, she finally welcomed me in to her vulnerability for the first time.  I climbed up on her seven-year old body that lay curled up in her hot pink 'tween papason and held her, resting my face on her face and hearing her heart beat under me.  She wrapped her arm around mine, placed her hand on top of mine, and closed her eyes; such surrender, peace, and love I felt in my heart for my sweet Lily.

1005. Halls wild with laughter, talking, and the many colors and textures of grade school art, the fine young artists, and their families.

1006. Noticing how much Lily has grown over the course of first grade at her Habitat Open House night tonight.

1007. Delicious new pizza for dinner - thank you Andy!  Cheddar, tomato, broccoli, bacon and green onion on corn meal dusted crust.

1008.  Getting belly laughs out of Emmy tonight by making puffer fish faces and letting her squash my cheeks to get the air out with funny sounds.

1009. Back on track with May's budget tonight and geared up to get serious after our first Financial Peace University class last night.

1010. A cool breeze in my face as I stepped out into the evening of May 1st in Phoenix.

1011. Meeting Olive, a 14-week old fluffy Australian Shepard puppy with one hazel colored eye and one blue.  Such a beauty.

1012. My first issue of Eating Well in the mailbox tonight - thank you Rose!

Root Beer Floats

I didn't look at the clock, but sometime in the hours of the early morning sun you asked "Mommy, can I have some Ginger Ale?"  I said with a finality only a practiced mother can,especially when asked for soda in the morning, "No."

You, smart little you, bargained.  "Well, can I have some of the yellow one?"

"Why some of the yellow one?" I asked, smiling inside thinking for sure she was going to choose the yellow Hanson's can over Canada Dry over Vernor's all in Nonna's cabinet.

"Because the yellow one has less sugar in it."

"Really? Show me which one."

You ran inside, excited that you've got me.  Got me good from No to Show me.

Out you came out with an A&W Root Beer can.  "Can I have some of this one?"

I don't know what made the difference.  Maybe it is my weakness for root beer floats, and for my need to indulge in every fleeting moment of our weekend getaway, knowing that when the hum of the dryer in the background stops, the clean sheets will go on the beds in Prescott, and out the door we will go.

"Yes, you can have some - as long as you share with your sister, " I said, and gulped when I saw 45 grams of sugar on the back of the brown can while I poured some out.

The rest of the morning was filled with coloring, cleaning, packing, playing, driving, snacking, laughing stinking each other out of the car, and reading books. 

I soon lay next to you in your twin bed, snuggled up for nap time. 

Your face, so sweet with grayish spots of caked on sweet from splattered root beer on cheeks, your nose a faded green from marker streaked down it earlier then wiped off with a soggy paper towel, two fingers on your hands a faded blue from the same.  You stroked my face with your black-fingernailed, small three-year-old hand and looked up into my brown eyes with your oddly bigger than mine brown eyes.  I don't want this moment to end; don't want it to fade like your marker-stained skin already has.

We lay there like this together, you tossing from side to side, squinting your eyes shut as hard as you can when I whisper, "Shhhh, it's time for nap," then smiling at me while you peak through your eyelashes.  After a half hour of this, we both give in to the fact that some time resting in bed together is better than none.

We finish the day with Disney's "Chimpanzee" in the movie theatre, popcorn, more snuggles when the music changes from tree frog clicks and whistles to the thunder of a rain forest storm and the warning sound of chimps beating on hollowed root systems of trees, scootering and yard work out front, swinging at the park, time with the neighbors, popsicles outside after dinner, bath, and finally,  rest.

And here I am, ready to put my head on my pillow to dream of you, sweet child, and root beer floats.

Start #1: Gifts 998 to 1001

998. So grateful to our tax person, Christine Nucatola of Salvator & Associates Income Tax & Accounting, for filing our taxes on time for us and for letting us know last night to expect a return that is so needed right now to help us get back on track with the Dave Ramsey plan.  Hope is restored!

999. The most beautiful, unique, haunting combination of one of my loves, the Flamenco guitar, and Indian sitar music that I heard this morning on my drive, transporting me to worlds oceans away.  Here is the link to the interview and two of the songs featured on Anoushka Shankar's Traveller.

1000. My one thousandth gift is my thanks for this very gift of chronicling, writing, living, recognizing, reflecting on, and being grateful for my first Start: One Thousand Gifts.

To start and to finish this has been such a gift in my life; the gifts in a day.  On the days that I make time to record them here, I am so grateful for all that I live, give, and receive.  And on the days that I don't get to the page? On the good days, this start has helped me take notice of the gifts with mental pause and a smile, a heart beat in joy.  On the not so good days, it is the very act of getting back to the page, acknowledging the gifts that are here every day, all day, all around, that makes me realize how easy it is to miss the fullness, depth, and beauty waiting right under my nose for the taking, and how easy it is to jump right back in - no suit required, leaving nothing between my skin and the touches of the world.  Making the time to honor these gifts here forces me to crawl out of those dark spots of my mind into the bright rays of gratefulness, creating an openness in my chest that makes me throw my shoulders back, take a deep breath, and relish.

The best gift is knowing that this gift never ends - no expiration date.  My process/documentation of these gifts may evolve, and hopefully my blog will too as I continue on in my journey of starts, never to be truly finished.

1001. The gift of my dear friend who first shared Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts with me, being in my life and walking this gifted path together.  I am so grateful for our shared thoughts and feelings that inspired us to begin at number one together.  So excited to have learned what happens when we put our minds to something, and wondering what is on the horizon!

Start #1: Gifts 988...

988. A whirlwind of a day helping one person after the next, very gratifying.

989. A blog post shared by my Dad that gave me great pause in the middle of it all.  This brave woman's post also gave me two views of perspective; one of trusting that people are parents to the child(ren) they have for a reason (or reasons) that we may know or have yet to be revealed - to understand that we have Lily with all her beauty of many kinds and sensitivities for a reason; perspective to feel grateful for the many precious moments we have had with our children, and heeding the fact that we don't ever know how much time we will have with our loved ones, and feeling with equal sorry and gratefulness of the limited hours some have together, or that others never meet face to face, little hand wrapped around a large finger of its parent.  I love the courage, strength, and faith the author of this blog bares: http://iwillcarryyou.wordpress.com/about/

990. The brain surge of a good idea.

991. A chat tonight that will hopefully lead to great savings thanks to standby flights!

992. Roasted cauliflower with garlic, olive oil and Parmesan.  Pretty sure I've mentioned that one before, but had it again for dinner tonight and it is something I love having in my life and on my taste buds.  Which means that I should be thankful for evolving taste buds because I wouldn't touch cauliflower with a ten foot pole until a couple of years ago!

993. So grateful to hear that my mom was treated like a princess for her birthday - in just the ways she would want to be pampered and so deserves.

994. Holding hands with Lily while walking in the dark evening and both spotting a flowering Palo Verde tree at the same time.  Lily said, "Mom, it looks so pretty, like a highlighter!"  I said, "That's just what I was thinking, it looks amazing with the flowers lit up against the black sky behind!" 

995. Finding good tennis shoes (a first!) for Lily and seamless toe socks that she LOVES.  Hopefully this will make the mornings just that much smoother without the socks and shoes causing a hang up. 

996. New black flats!  So very grateful, as I have been wearing the same $20 pair since I was pregnant with Emmy and could not stand their condition (or odor, sorry to say, but true) one more day.  And these newbies feel like I'm wearing slippers!  Wow, will I be a happy camper at work:)

997. And while it first appeared that flats were important, I was just reminded otherwise as I just viewed the aforementioned blog www.iwillcarryyou.wordpress.com, read the update of their sweet, miracle baby girl born just yesterday, viewed the pictures on her friend's website that she referenced that give the raw emotion of their story, and will now, with the close of this post, respond to their call for prayers, strength, and peace.

Start #1: Gifts 976...

976. A friend and her husband finding a new, economical place to call home for awhile as they continue to save and live their plan, so inspiring and so happy for them!

977. Wrapping mom's gift ON her birthday:)

978. Starting the day with a morning happy birthday serenade to mom and hearing her smile and laugh through the phone.

979. Tissue paper yellow, white, and red polka dots with red curly ribbon.

980. Another box of brother's belongs packed up from the garage and ready to mail tomorrow with mom's gift.  Progress!

981. Arriving home before 5pm for the first time in weeks!  I felt like I was given the afternoon off but really didn't.  Gave myself the gift of leaving on time at 4pm.

982. Sitting together to tackle the bills and budget tonight. 

983. Taking the time to call to sort out incorrect charges and ending up with a credit on our next bill.  Yahoo!

984. Getting to catch up with a friend tonight by phone and hearing that she and her girls are settling into their first place of their own, gives me such peace and happiness in my heart and for them.

985. Finding one of Ben's Bells yesterday and checking out his website today that is devoted to promoting kindness, a beautiful thing!  www.bensbells.org

986. My lunch taking me less than 5 minutes to get ready tonight, no lunch needed for Andy, and the girls have pizza day at school - such a welcome break in the middle of the week!

987. Molly's expression of joy at finding a tennis ball in the garage tonight: ball rolled back and forth under each side of her head as she moved it from side to side between her paws, then in her mouth, between her paws again almost as a cat would paw a mouse, tail wagging fast and furiously all the while.

Start #1: Gifts 967...

967. Seeing my office mate with an ear-to-ear grin on her birthday this morning and getting to give her a big birthday hug first thing after I set down my purse.

968. Being able to eat whatever I wanted today, and being more aware of the amounts of sugar and salt I ingest.  I feel like that cleanse made me a more mindful eater; of course, it is day one after the cleanse...I wonder how long that feeling will last?

969. Our phones and Internet were down at work today, so it was a day for catching up on all the reading I've been needing to do and don't otherwise have the time for.  I felt like I meandered between jonesing to get on the Internet and check email to completely relishing the break and non-interruption that and my work phone cause.

970. Pot luck!  Amazing Mediterranean crock pot turkey, my mom's tarragon green bean recipe, multigrain artisan bread with butter, and strawberry shortcake for dessert.  What wonderful flavors and textures to indulge in today!

971. Finding the most perfect little birthday gifts for mom today and getting filled up with inspiration, beauty, and fun at Frances Vintage and Smeeks where I found her gifts - a most delightful 45 minutes of browsing. 

972. Green trees on Central Avenue and green lights all the way home.

973. Coming home to a house full of happy - happy girls, happy husband, and a happy dog:)

974. Incredible homemade baked potato wedges sprinkled with salt, pepper and Parmesan for dinner.

975. Coloring with the girls making birthday posters for Grammy before bedtime.

Start #1: Gifts 958...

958. Molly's pitter patter of nails on tile and wood floors that follow me wherever I go.

959. A precious few minutes of one-on-one time with the girls before bed tonight: Emmy running back and forth across the living room floor showing Andy and I her somersaults in her bathing suit, and ending each one with her Ta Da at the end, arms raised over her head with a big smile on her face, and; Me teaching Lily how to delete pictures on the old, unactivated cell phone we gave her, then Lily scrolling through one-by-one all the way back to when she was an infant, both of us laughing and smiling.

960. Stepping outside for a walk to the park last night just in time for a beautiful sunset.

961. Knowing that Andy and I are doing something healthy for our bodies, and for doing something I've wanted to do and said I'm going to do: The Dr. Oz Two Day Spring Cleanse, we're at the twilight of day two as I type while sipping on roasted dandelion root tea.

962. Refreshing juiced kale, cucumbers, mint, and more.

963. Newfound appreciation for eating and flavors.

964. All clothes and sheets clean and put in drawers/closets and on beds.

965. Emmy and Lily swapping tastes of their ice cream cones this afternoon outside in the sun, green grass underfoot and fountains spraying behind them.

966. Carrying on, moving forward, talking about more ways to make fun, family times in the midst of busy lives.

Start #1: Gifts 949...

Joy Dare
Three Gifts Worn

949. The beautiful wedding ring that Andy gave me nearly 10 years ago, its sparkles still catching my eye today during a training and reminding me of our love and marriage.

950. My favorite lightweight, scoopneck, fuchsia shirt that makes me feel like I have color in my face; almost like I'm wearing Spring!

951. My most comfortable gray slippers that were given to me on Mother's day last year, one of my most favorite and most used gifts.

952. Off site training today gave me a change of scenery and lots of knowledge.

953. Being at the Ritz Carlton today, enjoying their gifts of refined hospitality.

954. Eating lunch outside in the sun, the sun warming up the back of my neck as I ate peanut butter and jelly with an apple and read Rebel magazine.

955. Dinner all together tonight and with the company of Nonna too all evening.

956. Nonna here to read with the girls and help Lily with her first research project on seals.

957. Warm, honest goodbyes.

Start #1: Gifts 941...

941. The gift of eating lunch alone today, which gives me rare time to myself to read.  Number 942 below is what I read that moved me and stayed with me all day.

942. Rebel magazine's Letter from the Publisher, Mar/Apr 2012 Issue.  This is a brand new magazine in Phoenix targeted at men, but I find that I enjoy nearly every page, advertisements and all.  It's all about making the world a better place by starting with yourself and what you give.  Check it out at www.rebelmagazine.com

Change is fostered when we, you and me, decide we want to make a difference. It's a decision we come to live with, or I suppose, more artfully stated, one we can't live without.  It isn't rooted in perfection and cannot wait until one gets it right.  It is Now.  And lives within a leap of FAITH.

Funny thing is... when we peel away the layers, cultural labels and political affiliations we've assumed due to social class, education, religion or birthright, we are, at our essence, the same.  We are part of the human condition, even half a world apart.  We understand heartache, dreams and worldly desires, we've felt the sting of bad decisions or the empowerment of overcoming personal fears, the blinding light of love when it visits and empties our souls.  We've shared in birth and death, and recognize there's beauty in it all.

So rebel is a magazine for us.  People like you and me, who despite our best efforts don't always get it right, aren't the funniest in the room, the smartest, sexiest or most adept - we recognize and accept only, that we can do more.  Be more.  More caring.  Loving to those we may not understand.  More accountable to ourselves and others, more of who we were meant to be, before we gave up or reluctantly gave in.  Because when I can be more of me, I think you can be more of you.  Who knows... we might even start to get "REAL."

So rebel is a magazine? No. It's more than that.  It's a movement, or a mission; maybe it's a question.  A collective of voices that have plenty to say and more to do.  We are storytellers, and standing stage right, we are actors, preparing for a part with no end, because it is not yet written.

So rebels, unite and join us in the opportunity to, in some small way, change the world.  But we must start by first allowing ourselves to be changed.  That, my friend, is an occurrence of the heart and cannot stop to consider the head.  The heart is the best of who we are - it's our truth, and when we let it guide our way, we are better served, and so is the world in which we live.

Michael Kelley
michael@rebelmagaine.com
Co-founder/Publisher

943. Making a dinner that surprised Andy (and honestly, me too!) by actually looking and tasting amazing.  The delight on his face as he ate made me giddy:)  Balsamic Chicken and Pears with whole wheat garlic olive oil couscous and french cut green beans.

944. Get well poster courtesy of girl scouts and a gift from us for a friend recovering from post breast cancer reconstructive surgery. 

945. Picking up another Daisy for the meeting tonight and hearing her and Lily talk, laugh, and read to each other in the backseat.

946. Emmy, my little ball of fidgety non-stop energy, falling asleep without a movement tucked under my arm in her rocking chair tonight.

947. The delicious simplicity of peanut butter and jelly with blackberry jam - indulged in a few decadent knife-fulls as I made lunches tonight for tomorrow.

948. A beautiful blog shared on Facebook tonight, a post that made reminded me about what it means to be a mom and to have a mom in the midst of our worlds technology and drive to do more, be more, at all costs: http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/.

Start #1: Gifts 934...

Joy Dare
Three Gifts Budding/Blooming

934. My mother-in-law budding during a long walk this morning after the slumber of her first chapter after retirement.

935. The beautiful blossoming of Spring in the desert.

936. The beautiful tulips of the Netherlands that a friend shared in an email slide show today and that I hope to one day see for myself.

937. Recognizing within myself that I am awakening to spirituality.

938. In N Out Burger, so bad yet so good.

939. The gift that going out to dinner gives - no dishes to clean up after the kids are in bed.

940. Getting to hug Tonya Soules and receiving relief after our hour of therapy with her for Lily and our family.

Start #1: Gifts 923...

Joy Dare
A Gift Hiding, Held, and Heard

923. Money hiding away for a summer trip.

924. Goldie the little stuffed yellow chick and Posy the big stuffed pink chick that both the girls asked me to hold for them yesterday - not just hold, but cradle like a newborn - and the smile it brought them both to see me care for their little animals just as they do.

925. Hearing my husband tell me that he loves me so much.

926. Waking up after a full night of rest, the first in well over a week.

927. Making it through yet another difficult morning knowing we have only one more to go until our appointment with Tonya the Occupational Therapist.

928. New snacks from Sprouts in the cabinet after a quick trip tonight.

929. The pristine, white Easter Lilies from Rose yesterday that are showing above the screen behind the computer as I type.

930. Standing outside talking with the neighbors and a friend in the late afternoon setting sun, listening to the kids playing, looking down at Lily looking up at me with her arms wrapped around my waist, petting Molly on the head as she brushes by, tail wagging behind her.

931. Soft kisses and giggles shared with Andy in the kitchen.

932. One leftover orange-vanilla cupcake for dessert.

933. A beautiful, thoughtful, heart filled card in the mail from a friend - "And if every way is closed before you, the secret one will show a secret path no other eyes have seen." Rumi

Start #1: Gifts 916...

Joy Dare
Three Gifts at 11:00am, 2:00pm, and 6:00pm

I LOVED this joy dare.  It really helped me to be aware, in the moment today, and was easier to appreciate the little things and be lifted at these moments.

916. 11:00am; A little girl at my office for the first time, cute as can be; the flower in her hair bigger than she.  Itsy, bitsy, little legs and teeny, tiny sandals; the light in her face so bright, and the smile on my face so big for seeing her hop into my office to say hi.

917. 2:00pm; Talking wellness at work and having a partner to create a plan and delivery.

918. 6:00pm; Sitting down together as a family to eat dinner after a rushed day and evening, smiles all around for non-threatening fried rice and eggs.

919. People in my life who listen to me when I need it.

920. A friend seeking the support she needs right now to make it through a difficult time.

921. Safety and close calls, arm still intact.

922. Gathering with friends to talk and laugh.

Start #1: Gifts 907...

Joy Dare
Three Gifts in His Word

907. Reflection

908. Giving

909. Hope

910. A very dear friend has cleared some karma and has been given the keys to unlock the door to more clearing - changes she has waited half a lifetime for.  I am grateful to her healers who have aided her in discovery.

911. Thankful for two quiet hours to be able to finish gathering our tax documents together, just in time.

912. Thankful for taking a step back and encouraging our kids to express their feelings in moments of difficulty this evening; it's incredible to be able to listen to their perspective.

913. Surprise packages in the mail.  Thank you to Mom and Dad for still sending treats in the mail for all to enjoy!

914. Getting to help Lily with her first Internet research project on seals.

915. Neighbors looking out for one another, spreading the word on potential danger and awareness.

Start #1: Gifts 898...

Joy Dare
Three Gifts Surprisingly Found

898. The gift of finding surprise savings at the grocery store today.  Saved $28 off our regular weekly cost and found vitamins for half off that I've never seen at that huge of a discount before.

899. Surprisingly found our friend's wedding ring at our house this evening after she visited.  She is a massage therapist and was here to help Andy, but to find this left behind on our table somehow made me feel the comfort she might feel in being here.

900. Surprised that I have found 900 gifts and counting in this experience of 1000 gifts.

901. Dr. Teal's Lavender Epsom Salts. Two baths taken in our house with that in one night left for a soothingly scented bathroom and bedroom.

902. Andy trusting in his healing and indulging in a lavender epsom salt soak.  It's so refreshing and a gift to us all to see him taking care of himself while he's under care of Remember Massage's healing hands.

903. Thanks to my washing machine for still working, enduring load after load, despite the horrendous noises it has been making.

904. The first of our pale pink delicate desert flower blossoms in our very own front yard.

905. New life. Was lucky enough and see 12-week and 3-day old ultrasound photos today of a dear coworker, and my neighbor scheduled to deliver in May looking so radiant and healthy tonight awaiting her third baby boy in may.

906. Flexibility at work. Brings me peace of mind in the midst of the craze of trying to fulfill all the responsibilities in my life.

Start #1: Gifts 889...

889. Rearranging our front room to create a place for us all to exercise, reiki, relax, read, talk, with a sacred place to write, desk next to the window.  Ahhhh.

890. Tears of sadness, prompting me to think more deeply about the why behind the difficulty our family faces with SPD, uncovering the positivity that's begging to surface.

891. The urgency in Emmy's body to dance to whatever beat it encounters, the girl just can't help herself.

892. Having two bins of 4T clothes in the garage that used to be Lily's and will now be Emmy's, just in time for her already outgrowing her size 3T.

893. Watching the delicious Under a Tuscan Sun while sorting said bins last night, dreaming of Italy and waking in a life of risks taken, life and love experienced.

894. Lily and I laughing so hard at each other, faces hurting from smiling so wide, and chests heaving out of breath at a plain old-fashioned game of tag at the park after dinner.

895. Parmesan cauliflower in the oven.  Yum, devoured 3/4 of the sheet pan by myself!

896. A warm, comforting embrace in the middle of doing the evening dishes.

897. The healing that bubbles up from my heart while giving thanks.

Start #1: Gifts 882...

Joy Dare
Three Gifts of His Promises
This dare is difficult for me because I do not know His promises.  So, I did a little research, the best I could do with the few minutes left of the evening, and found that promises are plenty.  I am revisiting my beliefs and exploring religion/spirituality more in depth for the first time in my grown adult life. I do not want to inadvertently be disrespectful to those who are well versed in the Bible and following of God, so I feel more comfortable answering in terms of promises to myself and my fellow man for the time being. 

882. The gift of a happy heart to treat others as I wish to be treated.
883. The gift of easing a mind and heart with a compliment or a helping hand.
884. The lightening of myself when focusing on not worrying, being kind, living in gratitude, putting my best foot forward in all I do.

885. A peaceful night with the girls.

886. Good news from Andy that 2 teams of 10 of his competing students made it through to the finals tomorrow. 

887. People having passion for what they do, and witnessing this first hand by watching Andy.

888. Getting to try Indian food today.  I have only had Indian food one other time and it was so long ago that today felt like my first introduction.  So many new flavors and spices!  Delicious.

Start #1: Gifts 871...

Joy Dare
Three Gifts Entwined

871. My fingers entwined in Andy's as we hold hands at night in bed.
872. My girls arms entwined in mine in many exuberant hugs each day as the moment strikes us all at different times.
873. The lives of those who come and go into my life at just the right times.

874. Reading Ann Voskamp's words that echo my own thoughts of how much can you really fit into a day, for what purpose is it all there, and making time for gratitude.

874. Day three in a row of meditation moments and twists in the morning in an effort to release anxiety and worry.

875. A full refrigerator.

876. A thoughtful coworker who just gifted me a box of scrap booking materials for the girls that she won't use anymore, her recycled issue of Real Simple issue that addresses use of time, budgeting, and as Andy so graciously pointed out to me last night that I missed - being more optimistic;), and a turkey sausage that her boyfriend refuses to eat.

877.  Lunch with new, smiling ladies today.

878. Learning lessons from both of my girls today.  From Lily - it is okay to give money to friends if that is what you choose to do based on the information you have at the time and it is what you feel in your heart you want/need to do.  From Emmy - there is nothing wrong with asking for what you want/need, like asking your sister's first grade teacher during her conference if she has a lollipop you can have.  I tried to "correct" both of them today, but in reflecting back on these moments, I see how beautiful they both really are and that I am the one who gets to learn.

879. Resilience - how easily we forgive each other in our household and how quickly we all move on.

880. Help and concern from immediate family.

881. Another great Daisy Girl Scout meeting tonight with Lily: picking up trash at a park; making necklaces out of rocks (repurposing), paper, paint and modge podge (wow, never used this stuff before - so fun!); collecting a donation for tweens at a shelter; singing, and; wishing a positive thought to each person in the circle to close the night.

Start #1: Gift 870

870. So thankful for Andy in my life.  I have been a bear to be with since Sunday (well, Andy may argue that I, in our lifetime together, traverse the miles between bear, bear cub, and back again).  Emotions have been coursing through me, roving, not quite sure where they belong yet; some of them are lashed out in hasty words, others are held in - percolating, while still others are jotted down in a notebook at my bedside table.  The words that have recently escaped before their time have been based in fear and insecurity, and a fraction of hormone surge. 

Andy patiently listens.  He watches me while I flail wildly with my words and gestures.  He offers suggestions for the things he knows he can help with that we have agreed to partner together on, like our finances.  And for things he, like I, don't have answers for, he listens.  In the craze of our days, he takes the time to hug, and fills small moments with his love for me and for food: The lone lemon wedge put in a small plastic bag in the bottom of my lunch bag today to add to the leftover homemade chicken soup he made on Sunday - this that I brushed off as unnecessary and a waste of time, to him is to love and to take care.  Today, I am grateful to him for these thoughts and gestures, for this patience and softness, for him being my husband, and for the lemon wedge that I forgot to add to my soup so that we could talk about it tonight.

Start #1: Gifts 861...

Joy Dare - Dare You!
Three Gifts Redeemed
I feel like there is a much more profound meaning to this word, but I can't quite think in that capacity at this moment, so here's what I have:
861. Coupons!
862. Not in past tense yet, but a certificate for a massage that I have on hand waiting for the perfect moment.
862. A friend's offer for help Andy heal his wrist.

863. Coming around the bend into Sonoran Mountain Ranch after work tonight and seeing almost all at once how the desert is in full bloom here: bursting fuchsia blooms on prickly pear cactus, brilliant orange rods of flowers on yucca, some delicate pink fuzzy flowered bush that I don't know the name of and don't have time to look up right now, and so much more.  This beauty was the first thing on my whole drive home that transported my thoughts to the here and now of what lay in front of me.

864. Homemade chicken soup for dinner last night (I forgot to include that one last night).

865. Talks yesterday and today of setting intentions and asking for what we want.

866. Lunch outside with a friend.

867. Reconnecting with family.

868. Waking up early this morning to make time for stretching, meditation, and a load of laundry. 

869. Recognizing that my days need to be different, and working to ensure that they are, if even just a little bit at a time.

Start #1: Gifts 854...

Joy Dare - Dare You!
Three Gifts Almost Gone

854. This miserable bronchitis has almost left my chest.
855. The gift of this very yucky day almost done, and knowing that tomorrow will be a new day.
856. All the sugar in the house in its various forms and temptations is almost gone.

857. Removing Winnie The Pooh from my pillow last night when I climbed into bed as it reminded me that Winnie and Emmy were there snuggling with me yesterday morning.

858. Our neighbor and her daughter stopping by to see if they could whisk the girls off to the park after dinner.  This gift gave Andy and I an hour to talk and clean, and the girls a chance to wind down from the day and get to know Audrey and her mom a bit better.

859. Lily handling a lot this weekend.  In her sensory driven world, Lily rode a horse while wearing a helmet and enjoyed a fun, but long and hard day, went to a party after, had her first sleepover at a good friend's that same night, went to an Italian fest today, and rode more spinning rides than I can count on both hands (most with the lights and blaring music that accompany).  She did such an amazing job today and I'm proud of her for coming so far in her journey.  She did tell me when she put her head on her pillow, "Mom, I feel like I'm still spinning."  But I think the thrill was worth it;)

860. Getting to end the night talking with my dad on the phone.

Start #1: Gifts 845...

Joy Dare - Dare You!
A Gift Sung, A Gift Written, A Gift Painted

845. The many birds I heard singing today as they devoured the fruit of an overgrown pomegranate tree.
846. The raw words, emotions expressed by Ann Voskamp.
847. The 9 horseshoes painted today by Lily and her fellow Daisies at a Girl Scout outing.

848. A fun, beautiful day at Krazy Horse Ranch, Black Canyon City, AZ with an equally fun, beautiful, group of girls.

849. Being surrounded by nature, horses, and sunshine all day today.

850. Witnessing an intimate moment shared between  a girl (my Lily) and her horse (for today) Snickers as they said goodbye.

851. Hearing from a dear friend that the time has come for her to be on her own, at the brink of the next chapter in her life.  So very excited for her to have arrived at this destination and ready for the next journey.

852. Seeing another friend able to release, a much needed release, in the comfort of good friends.

853. So much quiet in the house, and a gorgeous AZ night, so peaceful that I can hear the crickets chirping outside through the patio screen door.