Realizations and Gifts

Today is really more like realizations, and a few gifts to top them off like whipped cream with a cherry on top (or for my taste, more like cinnamon or dark chocolate shavings:)

#1  After a crazy hectic day in a series of many, the kind that make me not sleep at night because I'm so revved, even too riled up for meditation to calm me down, I thought I would make the most of my time by studying during Lily's Brownie meeting.  I thought to myself, Wow, I can have 1 - 1 1/2 hours of solid study time!

I brought Lily in to the meeting, sat for a few minutes, and then couldn't stand the feeling of myself being idle for more much more than that knowing all that's on my plate.  I snuck out into the front entry where there was a lone chair under an overhead can light providing just enough light (and dark) for me to cozy down and open my first study book. 

Within minutes, a Boyscout troop leader arrived and unlocked every door along the entry that I was in front of.  For the next 45 minutes, boyscouts, siblings, parents and grandparents arrived, ran, jumped, screamed, laughed, exited and entered few times more all the while growing louder and louder.  Studying became very difficult.

Then Lily's troop took a break and Lily came out for me to come back to the meeting so I could decide what size t-shirt to order for her.  Medium it is.  I walked back out and did some more reading, but felt just as chaotic in my mind as before I arrived.  I packed up and went to Lily's meeting 10 minutes early.

In those ten minutes, I witnessed all that I missed out on with my dear sweet daughter.  A precious hour and a half to learn more about her thoughts, beliefs, and hopes as she worked on a letter to herself for the two-year time capsule.  I saw the heartfelt thank you card that the other moms and the girls made for the older Brownie troop that visited at the last meeting.  I saw the troop leader and the other moms engaged with the girls.  In those ten minutes I realized that I really lost sight of what is important to me, and told Lily on the way home that I won't be studying at any more meetings.

The time is too precious, and thankfully, this lesson - in this context - only took an hour and a half to learn.  I am grateful for this, and that there is another meeting in two weeks that I will be able to be fully present at with my dear sweet Lily.

#2  Also on the sunset of this crazy day that's in the middle of like days before and surely after, the clock ticked to 8:45pm and I still had a potluck dish to prepare for tomorrow.  I started the task with squeezing lemons for 3/4 cup of lemon juice to then cook in the bulgur.  By the time I got to chopping the cucumbers, which I peeled and seeded first, I realized that the moment brought me such calm! 

The house was (and still is) quiet except for the sound of the Ray LaMontagne channel on Pandora.  My mind finally quieted, and I even figured out a better way to clean up my cukes - and excited to share that progress with Andy who has, since the start of our 16 year courtship, been trying to get me to prep efficiently and appropriately:)  And then came the colors and scents - a bowl full of cucumber, tomato, parsley, basil, feta, kalamata olives, olive oil, lemon juice.  Ahhhhh!  Such a nice way to wind down from the day, and for this experience this evening I am thankful.

Recipe for Greek Bulgur Salad with Chicken

Gifts
Andy walking up to me at this very computer just as I started to lean in and give me a kiss - and feeling my shoulders relax for the first time today as a result, as well as a genuine smile on my face at the touch and his smile mirroring mine.

A pretty praying mantis that Lily and I got to see on our way out of Brownies tonight.

Safety at work on a potentially  unsafe day.

Making it through another day.

Avoiding a car accident this morning.

A surprise package delivery from who I thought was Mom, but was really Dad (a.k.a. Bumpa) filled with handmade hair clips and headbands from my very talented cousin, creator of Little Gem and Hair Delights.

A friend's baby apple:)

Talking with my dad this morning and hearing him talk of future plans and hope.  So invigorating and exciting!

Gifts

My oh my, the time sure does pass by so quickly.  I've been making mental note throughout the days when something grabs my heart just so, or at the end of the night in the shower as I recap in my mind, but there seems to be a different impact for me when I write it down here.

A few from today before I go to sleep:

A smooth morning where we actually sat down to eat both breakfast and dinner together!  Unheard of!  We most always sit for dinner together, but never breakfast on a school day.

Making use of all the broccoli: dinner one night last week, egg and broccoli burritos with cheese and salsa on the weekend, and eggs and broccoli for breakfast.  Feels so good to not waste what we spend our grocery money on.

Seeing Emmy's face as I tell her how proud I am of her for drawing her first letter F tonight, as well as practicing Daddy, Mommy and Lily for the first time; a look of such pride, happiness and shine.

Andy standing in the door frame to the bathroom looking at me in the mirror while I brushed Emmy's teeth and noticing that I was wearing the very earrings that I wore when we got married.  It's the little things that mean so much.

Taking the time last night to work at home and get all my tasks in order.  Taking the extra time last night to project as much as I can, list, date, prioritize, etc..., made me feel so much more calm and collected at work today.

Ironing on everything that is required for Lily's Brownie vest for her meeting tomorrow and vowing to myself to not get behind like I did with her Daisy vest - badges still in a ziploc that have yet to be ironed on or sewn.

A friend's text about her vision that made my heart feel full and light.

Tackling the assessment test and study guide for the upcoming PHR certification.  I have managed to successfully procrastinate as I am known to do, so hopefully there is still enough time for me to study before the test date - unknown at this time.  But, proud of myself for finally breaking the cycle and facing it twice in the course of a week.  Now it's on to reading and practice tests.  Commit - note to self:)

Gifts

At this moment, I am grateful for quiet in these last moments of the night winding down in a peaceful house.

Gifts of health for some, and of competent doctors and medicine for others - for timely intervention that will lead to better health.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm grateful for a surprise delivery of a very large box of See's Candy from one of our vendors just for us in HR.  Dark chocolate and caramel have definitely been good to me this week, but probably not so good for my body.  Everything in moderation:)

Grateful that our family is working at being real.  That we're able to talk with each other about the difficult things when we once were not able is something to be celebrated and our efforts continued.

Phone chats with Grandma Jean.  She always puts things in perspective as she reminds me how fast the kids grow up and to cherish every moment.  Thank you, Grandma.

Bach Flower Rescue Remedies - works wonders for Lily, so very grateful to have a natural product that she likes that supports her ability to handle her body's responses to sensory stimuli.

Laying in bed at the end of the night talking with Andy before we fall asleep.

A tired dog exhausted from a good run at the park.

Sitting on the curb with Emmy tonight looking through the mail while we watched the last few minutes of the sunset, smiling at Emmy as she waved and smiled at each passing car.

Seeing our dwindling car loan balance on the payment receipt in the mail - we're so close!

Andy's intact retina, very grateful for this.

Wedding Memories

Wow, it's amazing what looking through a box of wedding memories does for building a grateful heart.  It started yesterday with the girls as I opened the vault (that's what it felt like!) for the first time in 10 years.  I was looking for a recording of Andy's Grandpa "Toe" reciting the Lord's Prayer so Andy's cousin can use it at his upcoming wedding.  As I took things out of the box, the girls dissected them one by one.

First was a Lenox box that contains what was our cake topper - a beautiful ceramic figurine of a bride and groom under an arch.  Lily asked, "Mom, what is this for?"  I told her it was a cake topper.  She burst into laughter and said, "Oh, I thought it for the top of your Christmas tree!" We both chuckled together, and then she asked "Mom, were you the bride or the groom?"

I looked at all the pictures and messages from our engagement party in Phoenix, and pictures and messages from our bridal shower "in absentia" from Wisconsin.  It was so touching to see people so excited for us to be on the brink of writing the next chapter in our life.

Next was a wedding candle wrapped in tulle.  Lily unwrapped it, put the tulle on her head and said, "And was this your veil?" 

"No," I answered, "but I do have the veil in the closet."  While I went to unearth the dress and veil, I heard Emmy and Lily talking.  Emmy was looking at wedding pictures and asked Lily, "Was Mom in a wedding?!"  Lily said yes, and then I heard Emmy say, "Ewww, Mom and Dad are kissing!"

Lily said, "That's kind of the point of a wedding, Emmy."  I was laughing by myself in the closet.  But not for long.  Before I knew it, the girls had coaxed me to put the dress on that I haven't been in for ten years (and that I'm so grateful still fits and zips!), and Lily ran to get the ghastly fake pink flowers we have in the hall (that believe it or not, actually work quite nicely in a pretty pale turquoise blown glass vase - that was a wedding gift come to think of it - atop an antique style set of dressers) and said, "Here are your flowers Mom!"  Then Emmy, who has never been in or seen a wedding before in her life scooped up the little train behind me like an expert and off we went parading through the living room.  I'm fairly certain I had a smile from ear to ear.

Tonight I spent a little time scouting through the memories on my own and looking at pictures.  What took me by surprise was reading the messages in our guest book - a little piece of the details of a wedding that you're not sure are really that important at the time, but ten years later to see handwritten messages from important people in our lives who loved and cared about us so much made me very emotional.  Some of the people are still in our lives, some were left behind soon after that summer, others relatives - always connected regardless of distance in miles or bond, and still others have since passed away.  Ten years - seems like a blink of an eye, yet a lifetime ago when I think of the people we were then compared to the people we are now. 

As I turned page after page of handmade paper filled with handwritten messages as different as the personalities of those in our lives at the time, I was filled with this sense of gratitude that I don't quite think I had or was capable of then for their deep love and care for us as who they knew us to be, and a good portion of them thrilled for us to share what they knew marriage to be for them.  I am thankful that we have lots of good examples in our life of love, compassion and respect for one another.  In this moment tonight, I wanted to sit right down and write thank you notes to all those who were present in our lives and shared the feelings that were in their hearts for us both that day, and also in the period of engagement leading up to our wedding.

It will take me awhile - no telling how long, but I resolve to do that now - 10 years into this thing called marriage, for they helped us be who we are today and in some way or another have played a part in shaping what we've made of our relationship together.  So, add this to the list of starts:)  In the meantime, if any of you happen to see this, know that we love you very much, and are so grateful for your presence in our lives no matter how fleeting, for there was/is a reason for each and every one of you.

Gifts

Starting my day today with yoga, if only for 20 minutes, and even when it ends with Emmy on top of me.  Yes, another start I want not to finish, but to continue.

Watching Lily learn something new at gymnastics today.

Chai tea.

The injury requiring stitches at the birthday party we went to today was not one of my children.

Taking 45 minutes before movie night with the girls to put the house back together and do the dishes.  This means watching in peace, comfort, and zero distraction from the mess around me calling my name.

The smiles on my girls' faces.

Feeling complete fulfillment while watching We Bought a Zoo with the girls piled on top of me on the couch tonight, just the three of us - such a big, all-consuming fullness of the heart that is both foreign and so very comfortable.  How lucky am I to have my husband, our two daughters, that we all have each other together, nearly every day, to create and live adventure - 20 seconds of courage is all it takes;)

Not that Andy is in Las Vegas, but that he is safe, and that all the guys get to have "bonding" time together for a bachelor party. 

The bed all to myself, probably because I know this is momentary.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Tonight I am ever so grateful for a beautiful family night together where we all enjoyed each other amidst the normal goings on of an evening...dinner, dishes, lunches, homework, Just Dance 3, bath and bed.

What made tonight different is that we ALL conversed together instead of yelling, fighting, and the egging on that often takes place between the girls, which then spurs not so great parental reactions and overall frustration for all.  Even poor Molly who hides under the bed when that happens.

We all snuck in little moments with each other in various combinations at different points of the evening.  It started with me folding the laundry next to the girls doing Just Dance, then all of us chatting at dinner, then Lily and Andy starting to watch the Democratic National Convention while Emmy and I made a little after dinner treat, then Andy and I in the kitchen together while I cleaned and he made lunches, then Emmy in my lap while I quizzed Lily on her spelling words for her test tomorrow, then Lily and I watching Obama together and talking about voting, then Andy, Emmy and I watching the Convention and answering Emmy's questions, "What does learning mean?" "What does education mean?"  And then ending with Andy and I watching while Lily and Emmy drew pictures.

The pictures were such a tender moment.  Emmy was at the desk for a bit drawing while Lily, Andy and I were watching the Convention, and then came running to Lily to give her a picture that she just drew.  She said it was Lily, handed it to her, and then just lowered her head into Lily's chest, put her arms around her in a hug, and then ran back to the desk to cut some paper.  Lily showed me the drawing and I just melted - both at seeing Emmy's first drawing of a person (Lily's face), and the love that passed between the two of them in the exchange.  The pic is below that Lily wrote Emmy's name on (and Lily was wearing accessory glasses tonight as depicted below) next to a face that Lily drew with Emmy.

 



I am also thankful for a successful import of new deduction data that I generated for over 700 employees at work today - my first run by myself and I added new data to track.  Woo Hoo!  Technology rocks when you know how to use it:)  That's for you Andy.  Yes, I really said that;)

 

And ever so grateful that a dear, close friend asked me to do Reiki for her.  So off I go to help in her healing.  What a beautiful way to end a beautiful night.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Today, I think that I am most grateful that I had yet another difficult day of living in my head, in a negative way.  Sure, it seems paradoxical that negative would be a positive, but it takes experiencing the self-defeating thoughts and too much energy on the imagined thoughts and perceived actions of others to remind myself of its prior absence when I instead put that energy into making myself strong enough to love myself. 

To love myself is to do the things I know that are healthy for me - such as eat well, exercise, meditate, read and believe affirmations, give thanks, be present, create/maintain/follow our budget, listen to music, sing, dance, go to bed on time, write, and give/receive love to both myself and with those around me.

I just remembered something I read that an acquaintance shared yesterday: If you're tired of starting over, then don't stop.  Hmmmm, seems scarily appropriate.  And that's what my blog is all about - starting now to finish, or in this case, to continue - hopefully to reap a lifetime of its benefits and to pass on to my daughters something of value that they too can learn for themselves what it means to love their own unique being and how they express that in the world.

Hopefully, Lily's off to a good start.  As we laid in bed tucked under the covers together on Monday morning relishing in the slowness of a free day off, she said, "Watch Mom, I'm going to send myself a message."  She typed for a few minutes on her iPod while I read my book, then said, "Look what I sent - 'I love you so so so so so so much!!!' "  I smiled and said, "That's so wonderful Lily!  That's so very important that you love yourself!  I'm so proud of you!"

Also thankful today for:
A great first billing cycle after open enrollment at work - a huge improvement over last year.

Settling into a routine after school for the two days a week I get to pick Lily up from school: snacks together, me doing my work that I brought home, and Lily doing her homework, all in a peaceful house - just the two of us.

A snack of graham crackers spread with Nutella and topped with banana slices.

A dear friend who is one of few who chooses to communicate mostly via snail mail.  In the mailbox waiting for us: a card for Lily, a calendar for Emmy, a New Nest card announcing her new Sedona address, a box of old but new belts, a cherry/olive pitter that looks like a bird's beak, and an article for Andy on a chef in Chicago who I didn't know tops his list of favorite, most admired chefs.

An evening walk with Molly.

A  phone call with Dad where I really got to listen to him - his thoughts, fears, plans, accomplishments, and learning.  I loved every second of his voice talking with me.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Thankful:

That I could bring some comfort to Lily tonight through push-pulls and Reiki, relief to her bug-bitten feet and tense body.

For coming across a recipe just today for Brussels sprouts when I happened to have some in the refrigerator a day or two away from going bad.  Saute in grapeseed oil, roast in the oven, then saute just long enough for a little butter to melt and toss with sea salt and pepper.  Andy and devoured the whole dish full of them!

To the girls for trying the Brussels sprouts, even though they decided they didn't like them.

For a hard day today of inner battle to make me realize I had abandoned that for awhile and would really like to leave it in the dust again soon  - NOW.

For a free eyeglass deal on Facebook at www.Coastal.com.

For hearing my niece say, "When am I going to come over to your house Auntie Karen, because I haven't been over in a really long time.  Remember those glitter things you were making?  You do lots of craft projects and I don't do any.  Well, I do make those purses from duct tape."  We will have to plan a craft date soon:)

For Frugal Mama - Simple Life, Happy Family.  I think I'm addicted, but so far, it seems like a healthy addiction that is bringing me comfort in positive, real thoughts from a fellow mom, and some great tools, downloads, and what's worked for her family that really seem to align with ours, or what we hope for ours to be:)

For a conversation Andy and I had over dinner to simplify the girls lunches - make them like a Pita Jungle kids menu.  Have a list of five each of proteins, carbs, fruits and veggies that we've bought for the week, and they get to circle one of each of these categories for that day's lunch.  And make it fun on chalkboard paint on the wall or chalkboard squares.

A beautiful, moving speech from First Lady Michelle Obama that will hopefully move the campaign and election in the right direction.

Homemade lunch of quinoa with sauteed onions, zucchini, and yellow squash, grilled chicken, and feta cheese.

A phone call with Mom on my way to work.  She is always able to make me laugh and to feel loved.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Thoughts of thanks from the week:

• A dear friend's babe in utero, growing from the size of a kumquat to a sweet little fig in just a week!
• Spice Traveler in Prescott, AZ - a delicious store of epicurean adventure for the taste buds.  We walked out with Ghost Chili salt and Coconut infused sugar, with the delightfulness of Raspberry still on my tongue.
• The sound of an afternoon rain splattering on leaves, rooftops, and on pavement.
• Lightning and a crack of thunder so big and close my body reacted with chills all way up my neck, goosebumps down my arms, and my eyes filled with tears.
• Long-time, comfortable friends from out of town at our home for a sleepover, and their sweet little boy named Jack who stole my heart.
• Homemade guacamole.  I think I could live off this and Mexican food every day for the rest of my life.
• Dashing for cover from the rain with Emmy, her little Hello Kitty umbrella in hand, up the courthouse steps in a downtown Prescott summer storm.
• Gordon, the most gentle Boxer that we got to meet at a fun, dog and food-filled outside festival.  I held my hand out for him to sniff, and the way he so tenderly rested his chin on my outstretched hand was endearing.
• Waking up from a nightmare and realizing it's not reality.
• Friends finding each other, deep love, and a new chapter to write together in their first new home.
• Bonding time with family member's pups Roxy and Toby, and seeing again how much joy and new-found unity they have brought to their owner's family.
• Fresh vegetables.
• Hugs.
• 3-day weekends!
• The language and ease between toddlers:
• New girl close to Emmy's age running across the grassy city park to Emmy, "Hey, do you want to be my best friend?"
• Emmy to new girl who we soon found out to be named Cassy, "Well, do you want to play tag if we're going to be best friends?"
• Me to Cassy, "Where are your Mommy and Daddy?"
• Cassy shoots all the way over across the grass away from us and back again.
• Cassy to Emmy, "Do you want to play tag?"  And off they run in circles, stopping only to hide behind the tall, wide trunks of trees scattered across the park.
• Precious moments being present with the girls.  These moments happen so much more frequently when we're away from home and our daily responsibilities.  We all so needed the love and recharge through reconnection from these shared moments this weekend.
• And in contrast, a productive afternoon = a mowed back yard, some planted pots, a clean dog, a cleaned up front yard, menu for the week, and a refrigerator full of groceries.
• My grandpa Jack's expression, passed down through my mom, "Close calls don't count."  This in response to Andy's bleeding, cut finger tonight over lunch prep.  Whew.
• Some of the best parenting advice I've received from a parent I admire.  Instead of saying "No" when your child comes to you for something, respond with, "Let's research that."  She shared this with me probably over six months ago, but I used it for the first time last weekend when Lily told me that she really wanted a pet snake and my gut reaction was not only no, but never in a million years.  Instead, I calmly said, "Wow, that's interesting.  Let's research that."  And so we have been ever since: time spent together learning about snakes (and in the process, learning about researching on the Internet) and what kind would be a good fit to start with - at this point in time, it's a Rough Green Snake, a book from the school library about snakes, a visit to Petsmart in Prescott to check out the snakes and other reptiles, discovering that there is a Reptile Expo here in November that we'll be saving our questions for, and Lily's first poem that she wrote tonight at the dinner table for her future snake (even though we haven't said yes - or no - just yet:)

My snake is...
green and it is smooth
and it loves loves to groove